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Sunday, October 30, 2016

Election Special:    Hillary Clinton and the Ghost of Lies Told

Democrat Candidate for President of the United States
Ghost of Andy Rooney:   I want to thank Hillary Clinton for taking out time from her extensive nap schedule to be with me here on the one week left to go mark in the 2016 Presidential campaign.

Hillary Clinton:  (Yawn)   I am no ways tarred.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  That is great.   We can expect you to be free from coughing spells and showing signs of demonic possession as well?

Hillary Clinton:  I do this for the children.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  Perhaps if you had listened to your daughter, Chessie, you'd have a lot less stress these days with the resurrection of your email scandal.

Huma Weiner Enticing Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton: Huma assured me last night in between muff diving sessions that I have nothing to fear but Donald Trump supporters.   And you know the FBI didn't prosecute me before.    And the same FBI Director that I praised for being so brave will also find nothing in the over 10,000 emails that were on Anthony Weiner's laptop that Huma said she never used for anything but to surf for old lady porn.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Seriously, Hillary, why did you use a private email server for both private and public emails?

Hillary Clinton: Like I said.   I'm the most qualified person to ever run for the office of the President of the United States; I couldn't figure out how to have two email addresses on the same device.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: I find that difficult to believe.   Most old bats like yourself couldn't figure out what an email server is and how to hire someone to install it and then how to use it.

Hillary Clinton:   You make me blush.   Huma calls me her "old bat" when she gets her mooslim vajayjay all wet and I lap up her cunny honey.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Have you ever considered that Heaven would only be filled with hot, nude, young men with beautifully shaped peens, big balls, and old growth pubes?

Hillary Clinton:   There is a war on women in Heaven?   

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  I hear where you are going always has fried fish - every night - your father loves to fry him up some skank and then to eat her.   And the good thing is that if he wants to taste her again, he doesn't have to vomit her up - he can just snap his fingers and she reappears on the skillet ready to have her fish fried again.

Hillary Clinton:  (proud smile) - You know, Andy, we have a wing of the Hotel Hades already waiting for us.   Bill and I have extensively decorated it in the finest broken ashtrays and wall papered with all the lies we've told.   We have been told that no one has such unique wallpaper since no lie is repeated anywhere in our quarters.    Did I mention that the Clinton Foundation has been praised for its work in Haiti?    We managed to help a few negro children and our friends were well employed and benefited from our generosity.    You would be hard-pressed to find a charity that helps so many rich white people while helping so few people of color.   And those people of color we help are genuinely touched that we just took out their garbage.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Speaking of rich white people... when are you going to release your transcripts from your speeches with your rich Wall Street donors?

Hillary Clinton:  Well our PR firm, Wikileaks, Assausage, and Trickle Down Message services is releasing our transcripts as we speak.   I didn't want to wait for Donald Trump to release his tax returns since he seems to be too busy taking big man hand fulls of women's rear ends (sighs and looks jealous).

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Do you really think the Russians are behind all the hacking?   I mean, I just read about the only operational Russian Air Craft Carrier and it runs for a few days, breaks down, and has caught fire numerous times.     Come to think of it, that carrier sounds like your campaign.

Hillary Clinton: As you know, we are leading in all the news media polls that we've paid for.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: How close are you and Huma Weiner and do you find it ironic that you'd ditch weiners to be with one?

Hillary Clinton: Huma and I are like mother and daughter - in a kind of Arkansas way - where we pleasure each other.    This is not to be confused with how its done in West Virginia where brothers and sisters chase each other and act out the Garden of Eden.    Huma says she likes her woman well aged and I have a great respect for the taste of Mooslim puntang.     This is a wonderful multi-cultural experience of double ended dildos and a man-free environment.    Huma does cringe when I have to be with Bill in public; but she knows that I go home to her and Bill goes home with another woman who he likes to play a rough old man with some quite frankly ugly young women.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  In the 1990's when you were standing by your man (supposedly not like Tammy Wynette) and baking cookies and telling America it took a village to raise stupid children, you also mentioned that there is a vast right wing conspiracy against you.   Do you suppose that that vast right wing conspiracy still exists?

Hillary Clinton: I have no doubt that there are still mean, beer-bellied old men who love Jesus and their guns who can't get it up without a little blue pill who are still bitter that I am as shapely and attractive as I am with so much power to rule over them.   And on November 9th, I'll not only ban guns, but I'll ban peens!

Ghost of Andy Rooney: When did you first acquire the taste for fish?

Hillary Clinton:  Well, it was in second grade when Mary Sue Beth Wilkinson showed me her hoohoo and I fell in love.   I lifted up my skirt and showed her mine and we ate dessert right there.   It wasn't until I was 16 when I was first with a boy and he just left me there covered in his goo and told me to clean myself up or I'd look like a hoe and every boy would smell it and want to take a poke.   It was then I knew I liked girls better.   Unless you find a super soaker girl who could put out a fire with her excitement, girls are just less of a mess than boys.    And women don't roll over and go to sleep while you are covered in their seed.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:   Our last question.  Thank you for your time.    Do you think you'll be our next President?

Hillary Clinton:  Well, Andy, I want to thank you for being able to get out Heaven to interview me.   I know God must be proud of what I've done with my life for the children (and for women).    I am extremely confident that all the time I spent colluding with the alphabet networks and rigging the Democrat primaries in my favor over that old fart Bernie will pay off with a victory.    America wants to stay the course and to remain in the ditch with Barack and Michelle (I've never had a taste for jungle fever).   I know that my voters are barely more intelligent than Neanderthals and they believe every word I say - this is why I've never had to tell the truth because my followers are that close to driftwood in mental acuity.    I truly want to make college tuition free to all those who want to go and that all of my wonderful plans won't add a dime to the national debt - all because I say so!     And since this interview has gone on for more than 15 minutes I think I'll take a nap now.

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