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Friday, November 18, 2016
UV Faux News Service and Car Wash
Hillary Clinton barely pulled herself out of her coffin to make an appearance lately - she had to set her dead stuffed cat, Janet El Reno aside, and had to put away her copy of "Rules for Radicals" that she had brought with her to her final resting spot as comfort for her upcoming slumber.
Over at Trump Tower, a vibrant place for the living and successful, Donald J. Trump this week has reached out to his enemies and cast aside ugly fat men and lobbyists. Donald contacted Mittens McRomney and wondered if Mittens would show his foreign policy prowness since in 2012 he pegged the enemy of the hour, the Russians, while Democrats mocked him and pointed fingers and snickered.
To show America that he is being inclusive of old bitter lesbian women, Donald J. Trump has reached out to the has been, Hillary Rodham Clinton, to see if she'd be in charge of all things baggage at the White House.
According to an unnamed Trump source, "We have heard that Hillary, when she was living, used to treat the Secret Service as bag boys for her, so we wanted to bring her back to the 1990's where she had blood that pumped and a heart that still existed. We wanted her to feel close to the White House without her having any threat of stealing State Secrets. Donald was talking with us over a juicy burger that had a 2100 calorie count on the menu and he wanted to give her something that she could do instead of jail time. That is when he jumped up and was as giddy as I've ever seen him. He held his fingers in a circle with some raised up and said, 'Make her a bag lady!'"
The source continued, "He was beside himself. He danced a jig and reminded us that he didn't want her to spend time outdoors getting shit on by pigeons. He wanted her shit on by important people who would make her carry baggage beyond her own life's deceit. He wanted her to show her haggard, makeup-free visage where every visitor could get a look at the old crow that they demanded to be their next President."
It would be so unlike Trump to not have a youtube video of this and sure enough, Trump's aide produced a video showing Hillary pulling baggage into the White House like the jackass she is and using those fat kankles to deliver ground pounding two horsepower and tens of foot pounds of thrust to get bags from the limos to the respective rooms for Trump's numerous guest.
It has been repeated by the same source that Trump noted, "I want to invite some of Hillary's friends so she can haul their baggage from street to the bedroom and so that they can see this might ultimately be the only thing she is really qualified to do."
Stay tuned as the official announcement of Hillary Rodham Clinton being named the official bag lady of the White House is expected just before Thanksgiving next week.