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Sunday, February 12, 2017

UV News Service Exclusive

The body of the Imperial Lizard, Grand Komodo Dragon, Really Big Gecko, was recently found on a river bank by a family member who went fishing for the day.    

According to the family member who only wished to be identified as the Grand Cooter, the Grand Lizard, known by his womb exit name of Frank Arcona, had been missing for several days after a wonderful weekend of cross burnings and dismemberment of Oprah Winfrey dolls.

Word traveled quickly within the 80 thread count sheet wearing gang of mushroom whities of the death of their head lizard though nary a tear was shed because that would raise suspicions that there might be something queer going on.     With the realization that they'd have to find a bigger lizard to fill Frank's footprints in the mud, there was an immediate search for his successor.    Contests were soon commissioned for the man with the most tattoos on his body and a search party was launched to discover who had the most confederate flags and sons named Beau, Jethro, and Boon.   

According to Grand Cooter, "I don't mean to speak for the Klan though I followed in my father's robe tails and spent considerable time trying to get out bbq sauce stains.    But I do know the Klan takes the search for the baddest ass bigot to lead the party and there is some who would consider John Lewis, a race baiter with a nose for launching racial issues where none exist, for the next Lex Luther Lizard.     Purists point to the fact that John is a negro and that we just won't go there with a black sheep in the family.    But his supporters point out that right now there is no racist with bigger balls than Lewis.    Also being considered on the basis of stupidity and arrogance are Alec Baldwin, that Coldbert swine who is a late night talk show douche bag with a great ability to never to be funny, and a really big dog with balls hanging down to the ground name, Fuk Dis.

Stay tuned for the funeral procession for Louie the Lizard as his open casket is towed to the grave yard by a Toro riding lawn mower with a small gathering of sheet wearers and their barefoot children marching with their right arm raised forward singing old negro spirituals.

There is no word yet if the Lizard has been in communication with the former Reverend Fred Phelps of the God Hates Fags church.    There could be an Andy Rooney special in the works should this happen.

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