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Boston
Bombing Suspect Sought in Correct Skin Color
In
proof that things have changed in America ever since 2009, the
FBI is indeed racially profiling potential suspects in the
Boston Marathon Bombing to ensure that suspects with actual skin
color are ruled out and a nice white fundamentalist Christian
male can be found to pin the charges of the bombing.
According
to both CNN and MSNBC, who during the first hour of their
broadcasts had labeled the perpetrator of the bombing as "a
right wing fanatic", it has become apparent that only
suspects of a particular racial profile will be considered.
"We've
been there and done that," noted FBI Special Agent
Scully-Molder, "The days of us actually finding the guy who
committed the crime are over. We now just look for
someone who looks like the guy we would imagine that would
commit the crime and our early detaining a Saudi Arabian was
just to show we will look like we are doing our job, but we are
searching for our suspect from our binders of mean white
men."
Pressure
Cooker Legislation
Headed For The Senate
Hot
off the heels of her failed assault weapon legislation that she
proposed before the U.S. Senate, Senatricks Diane Feintsein will
seek to introduce legislation that will limit the availability
of pressure cookers that can actually hold enough food to feed a
family of four.
"Our
nation has found a loophole in the law that actually permits
innocent Americans to purchase and to use what has now become an
automatic weapon," noted Senatricks Feinstein as she was
pulling more leftist excuses out of her ass.
"There
is no need for anyone to have a cooker that can build up
pressure and that is strong enough to hold all of those metal
pieces," noted Feinstein. "How is it
that we can permit enough capacity to hold more than seven ball
bearings? Who needs more than that ball bearings to
commit a crime? Seriously, if your point is to maim,
can't you just be satisfied with some randomness to your hate
speech and give people a chance to live?"
Congresswoman
Sheila Jackson Lee Calls for Safer Ball Bearing Standards
As
if her hair hasn't already proved that she is a space alien, perennial
comedian and otherwise congenital dumbass, Congresswoman Sheila
Jackson Lee from Texas has authored a bill that would create
standards for creating "safer ball bearings" so that
they can no longer be used to "kill or to maim innocent
people".
"Have
you noticed the carnage that unsafe ball bearings cause innocent
people," noted Jackson Lee showing off her new space ship
styled hairdo after leaving her local hairstyling salon "Maaco
for Mooches".
"If
we had ball bearings made out of sponges or hollow plastics that
would absorb impacts, we could have saved several people from
losing their lives and limbs in Boston," notes Jackson Lee.
Senate
Majority Leader Harry Reid Calls for Legislation Banning Bombing
Non-Fossil Fuel Powered Races
Senator
Reid, still furious that his maneuvers to limit the ability of
American citizens to defend themselves have failed miserably,
has now made his next move to make it a criminal offense to bomb
any "green" race (which is defined as one where the
entrants do not use any fossil fuels to compete in the race.
"We
have a serious problem that needs to be addressed," noted
Senator Reid. "We just had a NASCAR race that
spewed tons of CO2 into the atmosphere and one of their own
rednecks committed suicide. Those folks never bomb
their own races but they'll travel to Boston and we know one of
those right wing, rednecks took the lives of three innocent
people and injured hundreds. We cannot have that insult to
our pursuit to advance green competitions over those exhaust
spewing NASCAR races."
President
Decries That Bombing Happened on a National Holiday That He Loves The Most
"Tax Day"
The
President, fresh off his rants about how unfortunate he was that
he has to face real problems as President, has issued a
statement that decries that there was a bombing on what he
considers a national holiday "Tax Day".
"I
have to tell you, nothing makes me happier than making rich
folks pay their fair share and to see them sweat having to find
the money to pay out the ass," noted the President who was
sitting in his chair in the Oval Office with his feet on the
desk as he talked to a travel agent booking his next
vacation. "April 15th should nearly be
sacred - we have a chance for half the population to watch the
other half struggle to support them and we just can't have
attention diverted from screwing the rich."
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President
Obama Whines That
He Just "Can't Get a Break When it Comes to Stealing
Constitutional Rights from Average Americans"
This President has
long maintained a list of reasons why he is failing and to bring pity upon
himself when he just can't get his way. From Tsunamis to
Earth Quakes to his Moochie's Period, President Obama maintains that no
American President has had to face more adversity that he hasn't caused than
any other American President in history.
"Today we
watched the Boston Marathon bombing steal the energy away from two of my most
desperate attempts to punish the average American. This
bombing, which I know was not committed by a young man that would look like my
son, suddenly has made our attempt to regulate the ownership of guns to the
point of "why bother owning one?" as something that seems so
petty. Right there as people were laying in the middle of
pools of their own blood went my chances to make Americans pay for killing
native Americans. I just can't catch a break!" noted the
pimple of a President currently named Obama and soon to be called "Lame
Duck Who Can't Shoot Straight".
Women's Group
Decries The Search For Only Male Perpetrators in the Boston Bombing.
The National
Organization of Gals (NAGS) has issued a statement protesting the FBI's search
for a male perpetrator of the Boston bombing. In a harshly worded
statement reproduced for the assembled media contingent complete with tartar
sauce stains on the paper, the NAGS' Statement highlights what the group calls
"Grave Inequality in Mass Murder".
"It has long
been held that bombers are going to be men - we need to change this notion in
the news media. Women are smart enough to fabricate bombs and
other mass killing devices. All you have to do is to look at
how young mothers can use Post Partem insanity as excuses to off their
children in bath tubs or in vehicles driven into ponds.
Women can kill and kill many people and we strongly demand the FBI to include
equal numbers of potential female suspects in their hunt for the Boston
Marathon Bombing as they do for men. Currently we'd also
like to ensure that lesbians and non-white women be removed from consideration
because they are already victims," noted the NAG Statement.
North Korean
Little Dick Upset That No One Notices He Gave The United States The Middle
Finger on April 15th
Just as the
American President whines when events out of his control interferes with his
plan to make Americans pay for perceived wrongs in history, North Korean
Dictator Kim Jong Un ("Little Dick" to his closest boyfriend) is
very upset that the Imperialist Pig Americans had to create a diversion to
take the attention off North Korea as they were threatening its neighbors and
a small monkey named "Chimpy Sue" who spits at a picture of Jong Un
in a Tokyo zoo.
"I had the
world in my hands - they were like buddah - they were melting as if already
nuked into the stone age," noted Kim Jong Un. "Then some
muslim extremist decides to wage war with America right there with a Chinese
made pressure cooker. I just can't catch a friggin break!"
notes Jung Un as he looks through his vacation planning book searching for a
date that works for him and Dennis Rodman (who is rumored to be with child).
Civil
Rights Group Calls For
Investigation That Victims of
Boston Were "Too White"
With
the deaths of an 8 year old white male and a 29 year old white
female and a 20 something Chinese National, it was bound to happen
- complaints that victims of the Boston Marathon Bombing weren't
diverse enough and calls for an investigation as to what can be
done to have as many non-whites killed and injured as white victims.
Vice
President Bite Me Issues Statement "I'm Safe"
Vice
President Joe Bite Me has issued a statement that is designed to
assure the 51% that voted for him and that other guy that he is
okay and was in no danger from the Boston Marathon bombing.
"I
was in a nice London hotel that cost the taxpayer $500,000 for the
night and I am safe doing the work for the American people."
The
Vice President also wanted to confirm that he did not ask any of
the Boston victims who lost limbs to stand up and to be recognized
for their bravery as he did to a fellow Democrat on the campaign
trail - the Democrat was wheelchair bound and the Vice President
committed gaffe number 2,444 at that moment - the most by any Vice
President in American history.
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