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(Paranormal
News Network) District of Columbia Police are investigating a
burglary at the Georgetown home of Secretary of State, John F-ing
Kerry, who served in Vietnam.
A
police report obtained by PNN says that the former funeral home of
Fling, Medal, and Whine that John F-ing Kerry and his haunting
wife, Tereza Heinz F-ing Kerry, purchased back in the late 1800's,
was burglarized by an alleged white perpetrator.
The
report indicates that the white male was seen trying to pry open
the home's iron gate that surrounds the building like a cemetery.
Witnesses, according to the report, heard and then saw the young
man trying to break into the carriage house where the Kerry's 1888
Marsh and Thug hearse is parked.
"We
aren't aware that there was anything that was of significant
value," added DC police detective Washskin Redington.
"The hearse is over one hundred years old and has carried
many a stiff and we are looking at the angle that this was a
halloween prank being played on the Kerrys. The
neighbors know that Lurch, er, John F-ing Kerry, loves to spend
time waxing the hearse and calls it "Betsy"."
Neighbors
Concerned
"We've
always feared something might happen in this
neighborhood. The Kerrys have lived here for over a
century and there are always evil and scary people going in and
out of the house. We've seen Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid,
and Diane Feinstein coming to and fro to the front door and they
stay all night and suddenly disappear during the day.
We once saw former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton arrive on
her broom and it was particularly breathtaking as the night was a
bloom with a full moon and there were bats and yowling black cats
all around," said Gladys Kravits, the next door neighbor of
the Kerrys. "I often tell Abner, my
husband, that there is some scary shit going on over
there. We used to see a woman named Samantha
Stevens and her husband Darren over there but they haven't been
there in over 40 years after Tabatha married a band member of KISS
and moved away."
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Police have indicated that because of Kerry's significant position
in the Obama Administration that they'll be paying close attention
to the area to see if more white people try to steal Kerry's
hearse or seek to do more damage - the front yard's cemetery gate
had a broken latch and was bent as the burglar appeared to leave
in a hurry as he was being chased by Teresa as she howled.
Possible
Burglary Angles Explored
Despite
what the DC Police have provided us with regard to why the Kerry's
DC home might have been burglarized, there are suspicions that
there are other reasons for the neighborhood attack.
According
to neighbors who don't wish to be identified for fear that their
small pets and children might be eaten by a vindicative Teresa
(pronounced TER-RAY-ZAAAAAAAAAA with a heavy and indignant
accent), there is speculation that the house might be haunted and
that producers of the paranormal series, "TAPS" were
conducting exploratory investigations to see if the house should
be featured on a live Halloween Special.
Moreover,
neighbors, again who feared for their lives and didn't wish to
have their necks exposed out of fear that Kerry might visit them
during the night and bite them, were overhead talking about seeing
the old "Ghost Busters" vehicle patrolling the street
and trapping mysterious items.
"I
saw what I can best characterize as a Moochie - it was on all
fours and was running up and down the street. I heard
it howling and sometimes it would stop and yell "eat more
vegetables and I should be the only featured person on the Oscars
and I should win all the awards because of my excellent acting
skills impersonating a black Betty Crocker who happens to cook
healthy," noted a woman who looked like Mrs. Doubtfire but
who had particularly saggy mammaries. Possible
Vampire Mafia Crime? Rumors
have circulated for decades that Kerry is involved in the
paranormal and is a vampire or a member of the ungrateful, undead
- a vampire mafia gang who seeks to punish people who make fun of
his wife or want to mess with his carefully manicured hair or who
might be Republican, listen to Rush Limbaugh, or who might
appreciate the truth or love kittens. There
are unsubstantiated reports that Kerry learned about dark
religions during his time in Vietnam where he abandoned his Swift
Boat crew to pose for early Presidential campaign pictures so that
he could look younger than he does today.
According to these sources, Kerry has aged significantly during
his Vietnam days as he had to fight during the day and was
constantly seen putting facial cream on - purportedly to allow his
vampire skin not to catch fire during the daylight
hours. Again, these reports are only speculation and
may or may not prove to be true .
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