|
Good
News After a Rough Start
There
has been some tremendous disinformation being spread around the
internet and on FOX News, according to a recent disclosure by
Health and Human Services director Kathleen Cerebus, gatekeeper of
the new Affordable Care Act and all of its provisions.
"We've
had tremendous interest in this program and it just blows your
mind how people are so enthusiastic to pay 25 - 60% more for
health insurance and to have a higher deductible and doing it so
that those who had the unfortunate issue of having bad genes that
made them susceptible to pre-existing conditions can now receive
health coverage and not left to die," said Cerebus.
"It warms my heart to see those people who would have had to
take care of their own issues get to soak
others. I wake up every morning to more and more
instances when innocent citizens realize what they are getting
because of this fine law, passed by the Senate on Christmas Eve
2009. I'm sure there will be more eye-opening,
heart-warming news as young men realize that they'll be charged
hundreds more per year so that women can get free birth
control."
No
One Got Through
The
most eye-opening news today came as it has now been reported that
the Affordable Care Act, otherwise know as "Satan
Cares", has had a phenomenal week with regard to online
efficacy. Around the headquarters of Cerebus' HHS, the
staff is said to be nearly giddy that someone, make that no one,
logged on and the system worked.
There
was nobody at the HHS that would disclose the identity of no one,
but we have been assured that unlike the early disinformation that
some young punk and his father had been the first people to sign
up, this account of "no one" signing up is accurate and
up to the minute factual.
According
to someone who didn't want their name disclosed for free of being
audited by the IRS and held hostage by US Park Ranger Storm
Troopers, "Satan Cares is working
splendidly. We've all heard the reports that the
system doesn't work, but I know for a fact that on Monday, when
"no one" logged on, the system functioned just as
designed. We cannot disclose the identity of
"no one", " said the source, but we are certain
that the entire system functionality was available and utilized
during "no one's" hour long session. I was
nearly brought to tears as I watched the processes function as
they should. The electricity was available, the
servers were showing all the correct lights and flashing in the
correct sequence. I turned on the monitor to the main
server and noticed that everything that should appear was
there."
|
According to other
sources, "the Satan Cares website was designed to handle over 60,000
simultaneous users though the figure could be even more capacity-wise
depending on whom you talk with. Another unnamed source
indicated that they had used Medicare as an example for the demand model that
Satan Cares would receive and they doubled that traffic as the baseline for
the capacity tests. The source also indicated that
because old people are really hip these days and are so tech savvy, we knew
that there could never be more demand than these old folks so we were
comfortable doubling their traffic as our maximum traffic
capacity. When you take away the users' walkers and
wheelchairs, you free up a tremendous amount of bandwidth that can be used for
other people!" said the source.
It's All
About Sharing
One of the under
reported aspects of "Satan Cares" is that whatever
communication you send to the Government will be shared across party
lines and with everyone that could enhance your life through additional audits
and investigations.
Said this unnamed
source from above, "We want to spread the misery with this law and
everyone will find out that the Tea Party actions by the IRS were merely a
dress rehearsal for significant and intense love sharing with all law
enforcement and misery causing Federal Agencies. We will
leave no stone unturned to accuse you of wrong doing and to seek out all
of those folks who didn't vote for our great leader and make them wish that
they could cast two votes now!"
Everyone is
Exempt
According to
Kathleen Cerebus, HHS Director, there is no truth to the news that only
corporations and direct patrons of this Administration are the only ones to
receive waivers from Satan Cares.
"We've taken
great steps to ensure that every American can get a one year exemption from
our beloved Leader's plan if they pay $95. This is such a
small price to pay your fair share to help cover promiscuous women voters who
are so unable to keep their legs together. Remember that even if
these women use birth control as medicine, even sluts need medical care and
who are we to judge that these women have five sexual partners that are
permitted to deposit their seed inside her delightful love tunnel," noted
Cerebus.
"Everyone has
a one year exemption if they can save less than 8 dollars per month for
2014. This is such a small price to pay even though by doing so
you won't have any health insurance nor access to affordable common sense
health care that would also allow you to have free women's birth control and
coverage for pre-existing conditions other than post-partum depression,"
concluded Cerebus.
|
No comments:
Post a Comment