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UV News brings to you an unvarnished interview with the woman who fancies herself owed
to be the next President of the United States.   Her sense of entitlement is profound.

UPDATED:   April 16th at noon.

Thank you, Mrs. Clinton, for sitting down with us for this interview.   

(Mrs. Clinton) -  I always make myself available for lesbian reporters.   Feel free to ask me anything.

Why do you want to become the next President of the United States?

(Mrs. Clinton) - I want to bake cookies for the children - I want to make the world safer for children - I want to be a role model for girls that they can play the victim of a nasty man and rise up and exploit everyone for political gain.    I want everyone to know that I am poor like them and the American people should not be concerned that I charge $100,000 (plus an extensive expense account and list of accommodations plus first class air-fare).     I believe that America needs a woman's touch and I am now old enough not to have monthly visits from the red curse and I am past having hot and cold spells.   I am now just stone cold.

What would be the first thing you would do as President?

(Mrs. Clinton) -  I'd blame everything that I face on George W. Bush and have all upholstery and drapes changed to tacky khaki and accented with my nuclear teal pantsuit color.   I'd then call the FBI to get a list of all my political enemies and I'd use the IRS to get even with them.   I can assure the American people that Barack Obama is a mere amateur when it comes to pissing on political enemies.   I'll squat and drench my enemies until they are fucking dead.    

What will you do with Iran?

(Mrs. Clinton)- I have a great relationship with the Iranian leaders.   I'll invite the head Iranian cleric to the White House and we can toss Benjamin Netanyahu dolls into a raging fire and laugh and carry on.    I'll ask how the 12th mutt is doing and how soon the Iranians expect him to arrive and I'll make it clear to the Iranians we want to meet him before he causes the world to end.

What is the 12th Mutt you refer to?

(Mrs. Clinton)- It is some doomsday fairy that the Iranians believe that will arrive and hasten the destruction of the earth - and the Iranians want to accelerate the destruction of the earth which I also support since that would end global climate change, would make every gender equal in death, and would make those racists who want to enslave black people to one political party to pay for their crimes.

Why do you think you are so unpopular?

(Mrs. Clinton) - It's all about the vast right wing conspiracy that hounded my husband and that forced his erect penis into some of the most vile and unattractive (fat) women and you know that it was Newt Gingrich that masturbated Bill's penis and had it ejaculate on Monica's dress while she was just there to eat pizza with Bill.   I heard that the remainder of that seed that fell off the dress ended up onto a slice of Monica's pizza and she found it delicious.     

The Republicans hate women and I am just a lightning rod.    As you know Bill was the first black President that this country ever had and I was the first black first lady.    You also should know that I never forced America's children to eat food that was not delicious.    Children never mocked me.    And look at my own daughter, Chessie.    She had no talent or training to be a reporter and she got a cushy job with Brian Williams.   Now she was knocked up by the most desperate man in the United States and she is getting ready to move into a $10 million, 5000 square foot flat in New York City and works very hard for the Clinton Family Foundation that enriches the lives of anyone named Clinton and who gets funding from countries where women are not fit to vote or drive or able to refute rape charges and are often stoned to death for adultery.   I wish that would have happened to those whores that chased my man, Bill Clinton.

What is your campaign platform?

(Mrs. Clinton) - I have four points - I want campaign finance reform after I am elected.   While both Democrats and Republicans spent just over $2 billion to run for President in 2012, I want to raise that much for myself so that I can have my wonderful smile and laugh on every television, laptop, tablet, and mobile device.    After I am elected there will be no need for so much money to be raised so I'll just declare it impossible to do so and that will be law.   I don't fancy moving out of the White House for 20 or so years so there won't be a need for any campaigns.    The other three points are all about pandering to women to keep them thinking that men are the enemy; I will pander to blacks as we Democrats usually do telling them they are too stupid and lazy to get off their own asses and I will also discuss LGBT issues and have plenty of attractive female staff members who will make as much as men.

Was it true that Bill kept his beer cold between your legs?

(Mrs. Clinton) - That is mostly an old wives tale that Newt Gingrich started when he was drunk one night as he left his wife who had cancer.    It is true that Bill Clinton would throw his empty beer cans onto my side of the bed but he was drunk and he thought he was tossing them into his old El Camino.   Someone caught word of that story (New Gingrich) and he ran his trap and spread that nasty and vile lie.    I can assure you that my tits are colder than my vajayjay (mostly because my vajayjay is covered in old growth pubes).

 If you could punch one Republican Woman, who would it be?

(Mrs. Clinton) - Ann Romney.   She is always smiling and has a faithful husband who believes in goodness and making money.    She has everything she wanted and she had real sex with her husband in order to make babies.   I had to use a turkey baster after Bill ejaculated on Miss July.   I know there were stories about Chessie being a product of immaculate conception but Chessie was a product of quick thinking and a turkey baster.   No surprises.

Why do you think some people think you are a liar?

(Mrs. Clinton) - Some people also think that there is no global climate change.   I think these are the same people now that I ponder this further.

What happened in Benghazi that day the Ambassador died?

(Mrs. Clinton) - Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie.... (laughter - rolling eyes and head spins)  There was this Youtube video featuring a topless Rachel Ray and that caused a spontaneous protest by some Libyans who were upset that Youtube had put white squares over Rachel's bare breasts.    I know this to be true since I have the uncensored video and it is quite titillating (hillary laughter).

Why do you like gay people and undocumented aliens?

(Mrs. Clinton) - Huma and I love gay women and find that undocumented workers keep our house really clean.

What do you think of the current Republican candidates for President?

(Mrs. Clinton) - You can't be serious.   I think they resemble a Saturday Night Live skit.   They are all men and can't be trusted.

Where did that Big Black Chevrolet van come from that you used to start your campaign?

(Mrs. Clinton) - That was Bill's van, and he was out of town - I needed wheels so that I could fabricate that I am a woman for the people and I had the interior steam cleaned - there were white stains all over the blue crushed velvet interior - when he ditched the El Camino and its astroturf liner, he got this van and he just loved it.    I am a little concerned that the license plates will be part of scandal - "Shag Me" - but I call the van Scooby do.

Why were you so late to support gay marriage?

(Mrs. Clinton) - Well, I am an American and even the American people didn't support gay marriage.   I didn't want to be more of a lightning rod for being mocked which would distract my support of women's rights and the vagina monologues, so even as late as 2008 I firmly supported that marriage was between a man and a woman.   Then global climate change became apparent and I shifted with the new winds that brought on Hurricane Sandy and that caused police abuse of black people.    And since I am now running for President, I need every vote I can get and we've already seen the hissy fit that militant gays will throw when they threatened Barack Obama into changing his position for gay marriage back in 2011 to support it where he wasn't for it before.   I am virtually a trailblazer supporting gay marriage and you know we all evolve our positions when it is convenient and I have completed the arc of my deception on this subject.   And I am also a woman and I am fully capable of changing my own damned mind!

If you could be a tree, which tree would you be?

(Mrs. Clinton)- A dead one.

You know that this question was coming - why did you REALLY use a home server for your State Department emails?

(Mrs. Clinton)- I appreciate the chance to clarify this situation.   I am not as tech savvy as many Americans - I am after all 64 years of age and things don't come so easy to me.   I wanted to consolidate my emails on one device and I forgot that that I also owned an ipad and iphone.    I wanted to have emails where I could reach them from anywhere in the world.   I didn't know that I couldn't access my State Department emails outside of that building.    I also am very protective of my daughter Chessie and her most desperate man in the world husband, so I wanted to keep my personal emails away from my work product.    I was talking with Sidney Blumenthal who is skilled at the arts of deception and dishonesty and he recommended that I have my own server - at first I thought he meant a maid who would get my emails for me out of the email box near the front of the driveway at ChappySquaw.   I told Sidney to make it so, numba two, and he set everything up.    I was amazed that I could check emails sent to NY while I'm in China capitulating American sovereignty.   I was also struck that I could access these emails on my other devices that I found while trying to develop these excuses on why I wasn't using my State Department email.   I can assure you that while I was in the State Department building, I was using the account there.    Of course, what difference at this point does it make regarding this.   I am now running for President and any other explanations will cost you $100k and you'll have to book me for two hours and then I'll approve the questions in advance.

Any closing comments you'd like to share with the readers of my blog?

(Mrs. Clinton) - I just want every reader to know I just love lesbians.