Dear America,
As the leader of the Democrats in the Senate, I want to make it clear that Donald John Trump and his band of racists are behind this shut down of the Federal Government.
It is true that they offered a temporary continuing resolution that would have allowed the Government to stay open for a few more weeks until they once again threw you under the bus with another continuing resolution. Republicans are like that.
I'm not sure you know, but my party, the Democrats, has perfected the art of continuing resolutions - instead of doing our job under the Constitution and coming up with an annual budget, we exploited our political power and repeatedly staged pouts, spit ins, and tantrums to get our way under the reign of King Pimple of a Man the first. In the eight years of his imperial rule, I believe we had exactly one annual budget and the other seven years were continuing resolutions that allowed us to blame those evil Republicans when we didn't do our job. We Democrats always do that!
The Republicans thought it was cute to add the six year extension to the care of the children and thought we'd care about the millions of American citizen children that would benefit from this; they miscalculated that we would actually care about your children.
Instead we believed that exploiting the illegal alien children whom we have labeled as Dreamers is far more important - and since there are 800,000 of them to exploit and to turn into future Democrat voters, we knew that we just needed to worry about someone other than American citizens' children. Those hispanic illegal aliens yell and scream and throw tantrums so much better than American children.
Hear me now and hear me clearly, we always do things for the children (even if it isn't for yours).
So pardon us while we went out of our way to demand that Dreamers get treated better than your children. Your white privilege only gets you so far when we can exploit darker skinned children brought here illegally by their illegal alien parents. And if we have to prevent black children from getting care, you understand that we will always welcome you on our Democrat Plantation, the amusement park we've created to exploit you when we need to do so. We know you love this amusement park because you keep voting us into office. We do value your unique blackness. It is a gift that keeps on giving even if we don't give a fuck about you.
In this situation, well before the 11th hour, we went to Donald's office, the Orange Room in the White House, and told him that we would not vote for anything unless it included exploiting the Dreamers - and to show our good faith, we also were so generous to offer him a few words on border security (while we crossed our fingers behind our backs); border security to us to the maximize the safe passage of future Democrat voters and to pay lip-service to protecting America from the invasion - an invasion that will bring more Dreamers so we can exploit over a million of them instead of the paltry 800,000 that current reside here illegally. You can imagine seeing Sally Struthers telling you that for only the price of a taco at Taco Bell each day, you can help a poor Dreamer who was nothing more than carry-on luggage as their parents dragged them across the border. In fact, these children might have crossed over on their own to get a double stuffed almost meat filled super deluxe inclusive hard or soft-shelled free range hispanic taco. And they could have billed you a dollar for it because that is just how understanding you would be as we pander and whore young hispanics to become new Democrat voters!
So just remember, it was the evil Republicans who shut down this fine government because they simply wanted to kick the can down the road and actually want to make America Great Again.
Signed,
Chuck-u Schmuck-u Schumer
Head Yutz of the Democrat Senate Minority
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