Party on, Fools.
The ultimate guide to food that you can recycle.
Item One. Corn. You know it. You eat it from the can or from the cob and hours later you take a look in the porcelain retaining bowl and you see that the corn has survived. And while it might not be as fragrant as possible, using a scoop and a colander and a water spray device, you can reclaim those precious kernels for another round. You know you want to, you leftist tree huggers. Practice what you preach and recycle!
Item Two. Beer. With a little skill you will never have to buy new beer again. After a few hours of beer intake that has left you shit-faced, you can find one of those plastic jugs you tree huggers save for a rainy day so that you can be the self-righteous asswipe you want to be, and you can aim your little soft wood into the plastic jug and reclaim that beer that won't taste any different than when you consumed it. Now it won't have all those bubbles you like, but if you set this jug out in the sun that is ever scorching our earth, you'll get that fermenting back and then it will be ready to go into the frig for another weekend of self-righteous beer intake that will impress your long-haired friends with how green you live (and it will match your complexion after a few minutes).
Item Three. Mountain Dew/Mellow Yellow. Man cannot live off of beer and corn alone so you will want something sweet every now and then and you'll find reclaiming a case of Mountain Dew and Mellow Yellow will allow you enjoy the case several times again. You'll need another gallon jug (but you have plenty to spare) and you can use your little soft wood to release the beverage for another time or two (or three pee) event. Your friends will marvel at how frugal you are and they'll want a sip to see if it is as sweet the third time around as it was fresh from the can.
Item Four. Fruit Cake. You won't even have to repurpose this or wash it off. Since you greenies are such cheap bastards, all you need to do is to pretend you celebrate Christmas to get on of these passed onto you by an uncaring (but guilt-ridden) friend. You might even suggest or give hints you want a fruit cake and someone in your family might even have one dating back to the 1950's that they'll give to you. These are wonderful building materials as they never shrink or change shape or degrade. You could even build a tiny house with one and surround your composting toilet with its own room of fruit cake walls.
Item Five. Doritos. I add this even though it takes an extra step to bake these back into shape, but you can repurpose a nice porcelain extraction by using a rolling pin and cookie cutters. Spread these thin and cut out wonderful shapes like images of Obama and his ears or a fat face like Rosie O'Donnell or all mouth like Whoopie Goldberg and bake at high heat and you'll have Doritos like no one else in your neighborhood. Buy the spiciest ones you can handle the first time around as subsequent usages will necessarily not be so spicy since your body just can't deny itself some spice on the way down.
Item Six. Panatone. Much like the infamous Fruit Cake, Panatone's are never new - they are handed down from generation to generation and are bought and resold and repackaged at fine discount stores near you. Just ask Miss Coco Peru. And while you wouldn't necessarily buy one for yourself, though they do make a striking texture contrast in your tiny house construction to replace a fruit cake or a dozen, Panatone's make wonderful gifts to people you just can't stand. Your acquaintances will be thrilled you gave them something until they open the box. And then they'll soon find a way to re-gift that Panatone to someone else. It is best that you not give this to someone you care a flying monkey's ass about. These are best given out of spite or to an ex.
Item Seven. Road Kill. While this is likely a single repurpose food, you can nonetheless impress your greenie friends by scraping a possum, a skunk, or even a dog off the road for that full Olympic quick meal turnaround. Carefully chosen during the summer months, you will find road kill as ready to eat because it is cooked and easily heated to past 165 degrees. You could be a wise shopper and choose to do your road kill shopping during the winter so you can load up your ice house with several months' worth of goodies. This will also give you the best selection since you might get a deer, a moose, or even some delicious squirrel for the discriminating taste. Imagine the look on your friends' faces as you pull out already hot plates of dog and possum complete with faces and whiskers for the visual effect that can't be replicated at your meat counter at your local Walmart. And if you choose wisely, your friends could get enough fur to make some gloves or manhood warmers for those upcoming winter months!
There could be more wonderful additions to this - you greenies should get together and come up with a cookbook on how to repurpose what you've eaten or been given. You know you want to. You cheap and stupid bastards!
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