UV News Network World Exclusive Repot
The spin from the cesspool of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN's) headquarters is that the Rev. Pat Robertson received proper care within 80 minutes and he made a "miraculous" recovery from a stroke that sought to send his sorry ass to a place "slightly warmer" than he is accustomed.
But UV News Network (UNN) has discovered that the evil former Keebler elf did in fact bite the big one and was pronounced dead, dead, dead within the first five minutes and the story only gets better from there.
According to unnamed sources at CBN, Patrick Robertson had a near dead experience (NDE) and wandered into a bright spot light and heard the voices of his savior as has been reported by other normal people as they cross over from the world of beating hearts to beating angel wings. It was at this point, however, that Pat Robertson's saga took a delicious turn as God himself appeared before Pat Robertson without speaking tongues and gave the former keebler elf several elven ears' full as he told the Elf that he would never appear in Heaven because of his hateful, spiteful, and greedy ways on earth.
"Pat was beside himself," noted the source of news. "There was Pat dressed in his most expensive suit and tie and with his evil grin standing before God expecting the Pearly Gates to be opened to him and God was standing there getting in Pat's face and summarily telling him to get his ass out of here before he pulled the trap door for a very warm eternal vacation."
The reports of what happened after this are sketchy, but it is reported that Pat gained consciousness and is none the worse for wear since he doesn't often speak english and his gibberish is reportedly sounding a lot like tied tongues. CBN sources are pleased that their founder is still breathing since this will give all parties time to carve up Pat's assets before he finally makes his trip to permanent hell residency.
The Keebler Elf baking company was not available for comment but one person in management who wished not to be identified said that they can't wait for the old fool to pass away so they can reclaim their trademark without him bastardizing it by his living persona.
UNN reached out to God for a comment on this and we were issued a written statement that said, "God loves all his creatures, big and small, and welcomes everyone into heaven when they repent of their evil ways. He cannot help those who are mass murderers or who steal old peoples' money since there isn't enough time to find their goodness. And even God doesn't have a miracle large enough to make a former cookie maker into someone respectable after he's spent decades taking old peoples' money and making himself a rich fucking bastard."
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