"Jesus Use Me"
New! From the Faith Tones
New! From the Faith Tones
From the archives of UV Music News comes the limited edition re-press of the fabulous female trio, "The Faith Tones" who are reprocessed in almost genuine synthetic vinyl for your long-playing album enjoyment.
You know you want to hear their wonderful voices as they each have never been touched by man where it counts, and from the album cover, you can see why no man has had his way with these 1960's Christian beauties.
Brenda Sue is seen on the left leaning in (or being pulled over by the heft of her hair spray and 100 pounds of hair strands neatly woven into a near bird cage visage) so that she can get all of that hair into the album artwork. The truth is that Brenda Sue has no need for a man and keeps her power tools in that hair because she can't live without them on the road.
Connie Mae has all the looks of a woman who'll never get closer to a man than the standing room on a bus, but she's saving herself for Jesus and implores him to "Use Me". While you may chuckle at that notion, the better directive would be to say "For what?"
Last, but not the least of the beauties before us is Jasmine Jean, who is the spitting image of a praying (or is that Preying?) mantis who has almost as much hair weight as Brenda Sue but those glasses frame her natural beauty that clearly appears to be seagull in beak and skull structure. And her eyes - beady and bright - just the kind of eyes that caused Jesus to rise from the dead and to wonder what the fuck he had done.
And if you hadn't noticed, this is not a monotone recording - these babes of the Church Aisle passing the tray for your contributions to God - are recorded in pure Stereo - now you won't find a sound like this anywhere - not even from Kaytel. With these three voices alternately shreiking and making noises not heard since a visit to a whore house to save souls on their backs, you can sense that God must be leaning from Heaven contemplating when to pull the trap door to a place slightly warmer.
This album features such spiritual goodies as "My fingers are moist for Jesus", "My eyes rolled back for the Choir Boys", and a riveting ballard of "How big thou art, Jesus, now use me" We wish we could name all the songs but that would ruin it for you. Go to your local record store so you can pay your $14.99 and find out all the toe curling spiritual music that is contained within the dust cover.
And if you buy now, you'll also get a free cross, a stake, and a hammer so that you can fight off the urge to bite someone while being mesmerized by the three virgins and their backup band, The Stained Glass. Invite friends over so that they'll be able to put you down with that stake and hammer or for a spirited game of chase me and catch me if you can, you can use the cross to protect yourself from over exposure of these nightingale's dulcet tones.
This is a very limited edition pressing - don't worry if you experience dry heeves while looking at the cover - you'll soon have something that will come up when you bear witness to their voices. And don't be surprised if your head spins and you really experience projectile vomiting. Like many of God's pleasures, your discomfort will last only a few seconds and you won't have any problems 9 months from today.
Just remember that next month we'll be releasing Anita Bryant from Hell so she can sing all her famous songs about gay hate and homophobia. And you'll experience the total gay bashing if you sip on a glass of Florida Orange Juice while chasing fags down the street with your purse!
Last, but not the least of the beauties before us is Jasmine Jean, who is the spitting image of a praying (or is that Preying?) mantis who has almost as much hair weight as Brenda Sue but those glasses frame her natural beauty that clearly appears to be seagull in beak and skull structure. And her eyes - beady and bright - just the kind of eyes that caused Jesus to rise from the dead and to wonder what the fuck he had done.
And if you hadn't noticed, this is not a monotone recording - these babes of the Church Aisle passing the tray for your contributions to God - are recorded in pure Stereo - now you won't find a sound like this anywhere - not even from Kaytel. With these three voices alternately shreiking and making noises not heard since a visit to a whore house to save souls on their backs, you can sense that God must be leaning from Heaven contemplating when to pull the trap door to a place slightly warmer.
This album features such spiritual goodies as "My fingers are moist for Jesus", "My eyes rolled back for the Choir Boys", and a riveting ballard of "How big thou art, Jesus, now use me" We wish we could name all the songs but that would ruin it for you. Go to your local record store so you can pay your $14.99 and find out all the toe curling spiritual music that is contained within the dust cover.
And if you buy now, you'll also get a free cross, a stake, and a hammer so that you can fight off the urge to bite someone while being mesmerized by the three virgins and their backup band, The Stained Glass. Invite friends over so that they'll be able to put you down with that stake and hammer or for a spirited game of chase me and catch me if you can, you can use the cross to protect yourself from over exposure of these nightingale's dulcet tones.
This is a very limited edition pressing - don't worry if you experience dry heeves while looking at the cover - you'll soon have something that will come up when you bear witness to their voices. And don't be surprised if your head spins and you really experience projectile vomiting. Like many of God's pleasures, your discomfort will last only a few seconds and you won't have any problems 9 months from today.
Just remember that next month we'll be releasing Anita Bryant from Hell so she can sing all her famous songs about gay hate and homophobia. And you'll experience the total gay bashing if you sip on a glass of Florida Orange Juice while chasing fags down the street with your purse!
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