Satanists Threaten Legal Action
UV News Exclusive Report. Pope Francis Not So Bacon has long been known to be a bald hippie among the normal Papal Stiffs that have led the Catholic Church throughout the centuries.
Pope Francis has declared that hell does not exist.
Well, damn. I always liked watching witches and other religious defilers burning at the stake as if this was a way to get them pre-conditioned for eternal damnation and hell fire.
Well, who could have made Pope Francis go all rogue and declare hell doesn't exist and that those who might have built a life of eternal damnation karma payback simply disappear into the darkness where they can join Stephen Hawking for eternity?
I am perplexed? If the Pope can suddenly just say Hell doesn't exist, then what about heaven? If we can't have the corollary to Heaven, then how can we have Heaven? I mean, why are there claims of possession and where does that leave us with Damian Thorpe, er, David Hogg?
According to our sources, the Church of Satan, the Crystal Cathedral where the heat is turned on to its maximum setting during services, has threatened legal action against Pope Francis. Our unnamed sources indicate that Gloria Alred has been hired by the Church of Satan to go after the Pope since he is obviously trying to marginalize those who like horns and conducting post natal abortions on toddlers on the alter of the evil one.
While it was impossible to disclose the name of the Church of Satan's spokesperson who was a demon who would not reveal his name, UV News was able to get comments from Church Followers Hoda Corn on the Cob and Joy Behardon and the results were not pretty - as if you expected their words would improve upon their earthly demonic looks.
"I think that the Pope is trying to deny women their right to go to hell when they buy a tacky handbag," said Hoda Corn on the Cob, a rather moribund looking troll on a morning television show. "I mean, seriously, the Pope has really gone out on a limb here as a man of God. If he denies the existence of Hell, what is to stop him from finally admitting that there is no Heaven?"
Over at "The View", a show that demonstrates the synchronization of bloody periods and stools, Joy Behardon has once again gone after Christians by applauding the Pope's remarks. "I've had it up to here with Christians telling me to go to hell. I now can just disappear upon my death with nothing lost. If there is no Hell then I'm guaranteed a trip to Disney World in Heaven now. No one will go to hell and I'll be able to spank Mike Pence when he goes there so he can talk to God face to face instead of having a calling card by Angle Tee and Tee."
UV News also has heard from Jewish groups about the possibility that Adolph Hitler and the Hitlerettes aren't burning in eternity for killing six million jewish people during the period leading up to and during the Second World War. What is even more shocking is that modern mooslims who carve up infidels with butter knives and explosives could possibly escape their deserved eternal celestial dirt nap in a pork barbeque.
We reached out to Pope Francis Not So Bacon but we were rebuffed as we were told the Pope was too busy licking the feet of the sick and infirm to be bothered with our inquiry on his own words.
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