Two Super Fat Fatties, A Worthless Minnow Making Animal Sounds, and Not Much Else
When There is no Talent, Don't Blame Me for being so Mean.
When There is no Talent, Don't Blame Me for being so Mean.
Loosely translated (for the imported acts), "the worst episode ever"
This is the second episode of this season and apparently America is Devoid of Any More Talent.
This episode started with two YUGE asian men who took their shirts off (egads) and made sounds rubbing each other or using props that made sounds that matched the cue cards they flipped over. They were funny like it is so intoxicating to rubberneck for an auto accident. You just gotta watch. It was not good.
Several rancid couple acts - horrible and non-funny comedy couple (they could have their own late night show based on the lack of funny talent on the air right now); a putrid singing couple.
Then there was the usual girl act - I loathe everything about girls - they are irritating and offer nothing at all - and this one made animal sounds. Absolutely ghastly.
Then there were the trainwreck acts thrown in for fun. Oh, joy.
Then there was the crippled male duo act of acrobatics - they failed and weren't good at all. They got through because you can't resist keeping a wounded bird around so you can claim you healed it.
Then came the gigantic plum - a YUGE female singer that was thrown in because no one can resist a fat female sob story - the fact that she didn't suck was amazing but she wasn't good. She was YUGE and carried two notes. This is an act made for radio because she was hideously YUGE. She sobbed. I puked. We've seen this before. I'm over it. Diet and come back in a century. I'm so sick of the pandering to obese people - either you get your health under control or stop leveraging your laziness into an appeal why you should get a slot. And I don't buy the shit about fat-shaming as being bad - she is in danger of biting it and being six feet under in a few years - be honest and tell the cow to lose so fucking weight. And she was nearly the same mass as the two fat asian men above.
Next was a pathetic urban group using their "plight" as a reason we should give a flying fuck about them. I'm so sick of how bad your sob story is - either you have talent or not - and these bastards are from the Dominican Republic which means this is not American and thus worthless on this show - so sick of imported acts. Go home. Seriously. And then it was unremarkable - just like every other dance act - flips and movement. So sick of this shit. And it is imported shit. The judges ate this shit up. But it was still shit.
Next up was an older guy with huge facelift that refused to say anything (it worked for the retreaded asian witch from the last show). Dressed in black and with a sword. Oddity pulls Howie off the judge's area, takes pineapple and puts it on Howie's head, and then pours wax into his eyes to seal them shut. Then covers his face-lifted face with aluminum foil. Uses female props and has a witch holding a bag and then plunges knife in it - he's blinded - can't see shit. Uses male prop with a bord and uses larger knife to cut board. Back to Howie and cuts pineapple. Been there done that. Horrible. Almost an hour has gone by and there is jack shit to watch on this episode.
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy. A worthless piece of shit white man with a moppy hair cut - skin tight outfit that looked like a dime store super hero - Alex Hooper - high pitched voice - wants to inspire through happiness - the only good thing would be for a gun to be put to his forehead and then trigger pulled. His voice is irritating and he looks like a lesbian impersonating a man. His comedy routine was not funny but it did insult Canadians. This was supposed to be "happy"? He tried to be UV without any obvious talent. He got four negative votes. Had he been YUGE, Dominican Republican, and a 10 year old girl, he'd have been given 4 yeses. He insulted everyone so he's at least fair. And some of the comments directed at the judges were spot on. Can't help a former Spice Girl with no talent as a Solo singer to whine.
Another pathetic imported act - asian - "mowchie" - whines that no one watches him in his native country when he does street act - oh, joy. Obviously he's spent money to take his street act and to upgrade with technology - he twirls lights against an electronic background - seriously - big whoop - this is so 2016. Maybe if he did this while wearing a tuna costume it would be interesting. Ghastly, boring, and so derivative. Four yeses. I guess you have to fill slots to have a show. It was not good, innovative, or interesting.
So now we are at 1 hour and 6 minutes of time evolved and we have yet to find any talent and nothing American of note. What a shame the high point is the YUGE plum.
Another sob story - now exploiting ancient people for ratings - they can barely walk out on stage - what a crock - meet 66 year old witch and 70 year old bastard with a cunty daughter of unknown age translating - she is irritating to no end - where is the face lifted guy with a sword when you need him? Oh, no they didn't just go there? Two old fuckers doing nasty moves. He just touched her fat ass. This is old dirty bastard dancing. I am going to puke. Okay, they got their chance to show the world their hearts are still beating. Now get the hell off the stage. Three yeses? Seriously? Where is the trash can? (sound of rushing to the toilet)
Next up middle aged white guy in flannel shirt - a pediatric nurse - wife and six children - at least he's talented in ejaculating - sob story about baby almost going down the ship - now adopting other children - daughter that almost croaked had a dream about three boys - material for Coast 2 Coast radio - they adopted three boys. Then they adopted a black boy! And then a Cerebral Palsey adopted child. Guess Madonna doesn't have the corner on the adopted sob story market. Good for them. I'm sick of sob stories being used to push contestants. Unremarkable singer - sounds like a 1970's Chrysler starter - dumbs down the song and makes it lethargic - then he yells and the crowd stands. Without the sob story this guy wouldn't get the time of day. Truly mediocre. Simon tells the truth - not about the talent - its just being real - and with that, an unremarkable singer gets a golden shower.
You don't know what it is like enduring almost an hour and half for shit like this. But it's my job.
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