Dateline: Madcowsville, NY
In an attempt to explain her disappearance from public life, Whooping Cough Golberg discloses she had been near death with pneumonia.
And her recovery was a finalized pack with Satan to continue to be the host of Madcow and to insult all things good in life.
"I had pneumonia real bad," said Whooping Cough, as she gasped for air and tugged at her snake hair while readjusting her "Make America Just Again" hat. "I mean it was real bad - I couldn't catch my breath. It was like Donald Trump was stomping on my chest. I think I was near crossing over to the other side. It was really scary. I thought I was going to be spending eternity with Trump."
The ignorant and rich host of the insidious fake show called "The View" has spent considerable time in LaLa land after contracting Madcow disease over a decade ago. While her early life was filled with actual talent and humor, this latest version of Whooping Cough Golberg is a bitter, stupid, and emotionally unstable husk of a person.
"There was a point when I felt my soul leave my body and I started to rise up looking at myself from a distance and then I was tugged down by these black ghosty things and they were saying nasty things to me and brought me to Satan who assured me that I could choose to stay here with him and suffer or I could go back to earth for a while longer and make others suffer and to harvest their souls for him. He told me there was no way I was going to heaven so I had a choice to make other people miserable with the life he was going to give me back and then to get them to commit suicide where he'd have some playthings. In due time I'd end up in hell, but I'd have to suffer less. Satan told me that I would have to look at Trump's picture for eternity but I wouldn't be forced to listen to him as he fucked me until the end of time. Given that choice, I wanted to live again," said Whooping Cough Goldberg.
The years since "Sister Act" have not been kind to Whooping Cough. She contracted Madcow from having oral sex with a lesbian MSNBC host named Rachel. From undisclosed sources, Whooping Cough ate out that Rachel during her period and Madcow was transmitted then. The result is that the aging Whooping Cough looks like a Halloween Carved Pumpkin with snake hair and with rancidly bad breath.
There is no word yet on the length of Whooping Cough's parole from Hell, but judging by her degraded visage, she could assume barbeque temperature any day now.
And, yes, she's pissed that Luke Perry is in Heaven.
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