It's not everyday that Queen Moochelle sits down for an interview. But she was bored and she thought she'd get even with me. Yeah, right.
Thank you for allowing this interview. The folks back home won't believe I'm actually sitting face to face with you.
They should be surprised that you can find the brainpower to sit.
So much for being cordial. Let's cut to the chase. What's the deal with your school lunches?
Thank you for allowing me to address this important point. We have an epidemic of obese children and someone has to stand up and advocate for healthier eating options in our schools which have become food deserts caused by Global Climate Change. We must act for the children. I am prepared to lead and to force children to eat the foods I find as healthy. I feel I must act because these parents don't seem to be able to feed their children from healthy options.
Aren't these the same parents who were "smart enough" to vote for your husband for two terms?
We promised them lots of free stuff. But they obviously don't know how to eat judging by looking at them trying to fit through the doors to the polling precincts. It is up to me to save the children from a lifetime of living like their parents.
What are you must proud of when you consider your healthy options meals for school children?
Half of the trays are not dirty. We've cut cleaning time in half.
Do you believe that healthy options for school children has to be so damned unappetizing to look at?
Well, the average american family cannot afford the beautiful lunches that my two children, Mothra and Sasquatch, eat at Sidwell. It takes money to make healthy eating look appetizing and I realize that the best bang for the buck is to feed our children healthy alternatives and if it doesn't look good, I am sure their parents will be okay with that. If we wanted food that was pretty, we'd just serve tubs of frosting. I decided that eating healthy is far more important than eating pretty.
I see. You have never had experience with eating pretty, have you?
(Face wrinkles) That was a cheap shot even for you.
A punch is often thrown that isn't pretty. It is the sting that matters.
(Silence)
Where do you get off mingling with childrens' lunches? Who appointed you the Healthy Food Police Chief?
My husband. If you don't like it - write your Congressman. He'll ignore what the Congressman says and do what he damn well wants anyway. You just can't deal with my enormous black bare arms, can you?
Enormous? Those are GI-normous!
Race hater.
I wanted to ask you how your Twat about the kidnapping of those 200 African girls that you sent last year. How is that working out for you?
Those fine young girls know that my thoughts are with them.
I wonder if they are eating healthy after a year in captivity?
I believe the proper phrase for their current situation is they are experiencing a temporary residential reassignment opportunity, and I am also sure that they know my thoughts are with them. We cannot presume to impose upon the forces that temporarily relocated them the same standards of care that we expect of ourselves. It is simply unfair to show cultural bias during a crisis.
Why does your mother continue to live rent free at the White House and travel with you on overseas trips at taxpayer expense?
My husband allows me to have any and all guests that I wish to have and we've never denied any family member from having the finest that our positions in this country allow us to have. When I leave on my frequent foreign trips, I bring along hundreds of people and that might mean that there would be no one to care for my mother while she'd be all alone in the White House as the Secret Service gets drunk and goes to visit with hookers. Something could happen to my mother and I can't have that. Plus she is the only living grandparent that Mothra and Sasquatch have. This is a rare opportunity for these fine young women to experience the outstanding parenting that I received from her. And she takes the place of a servant that we'd have to raise our fine young women - so we are actually saving the taxpayers money by having my mother here.
One last question. When you leave the White House after President Obama completes his second term, will you live with him in your multi-million home in Hawaii or will you live elsewhere?
We're not relocating. We are perfectly comfortable here.
