| Once
upon a time there was a Little House on the Praire where Ma and
Pa Ingalls spent long winters indoors working on making a
family. And it was in this setting of
wholesomeness and racial purity that makes the shocking news
released today all that more unbelievable.
While Pa and Ma were strict missionary positionists, new
findings about Mary Ingalls' blindness has people of the
Christian faith in disbelief and flocking back to their local
churches to sing "Bringing in the Sheaves" and to
wonder what went so wrong in the Ingalls household.
This morning it
was discovered that Mary Ingalls, a budding woman in her early
teen years, had discovered the joys of self pleasure and took
this secret to her grave even as she silently experienced her
first orgasm next to her younger sister, Laura.
According to
scientific evidence released in conjunction with contemporary
writings, it was once thought that Mary had suffered from
Scarlet Fever and had contracted her blindness from the ravages
of the fever. And while there is a more convenient
explanation that Mary had contracted swelling of the brain and
upper spinal cord, her real swelling was in her personal region
and she had suffered from the long held belief that
"masturbation causes blindness".
One long-term
viewer of the television series "Little House on the Praire"
that was spun off the books about the Ingalls was totally
shocked that Mary would be the pervert in the family.
"I
declare. Me and my family are in shock - we thought
that her adopted brother, Albert was the real sex fiend,"
noted Sarah Goodspun. "He would go creeping out
there around the barnyard animals and if you noticed, he was
fond of one of the sheep!" |
Reaction was
equally shocking to the then young lady who played Mary Ingalls
on the actual television show, Melissa Sue Anderson.
"I didn't
have my first orgasm until I was 25 and had unsuccessfully
finger painted for years. I didn't even know about
rubbing myself down there for pleasure for years even though
Albert kept asking me to show it."
According to Katherine MacGregor
who played Harriet Oleson on the television show, "I knew
something wasn't quite right with that Mary Ingalls.
All the time we knew her sister was the closet masturbator and
sexual pervert, but Mary? Why that just amazes me
that she wouldn't share that with my Nellie! I mean,
Nellie had her dolls and things and was a most perfect
child. I couldn't imagine her touching herself like
that! I had enough to deal with finding out that my
Willie liked girls and he was reading books that were giving him
impure thoughts. Now that you mention it, I wonder
if my Willie had talked with that Mary Ingalls and had given him
some idea that there was actual pleasure down there.
And I can assure you that in my life I've never had any pleasure
down there!"
With the news of
the serial masturbation evidence and its linkage with blindness,
Churches around the country will seek to ensure the Christian
youth keep their hands to their sides and sleep on their
backs. Just this afternoon on CBN, the
Christian Broadcasting Network, the evil Keebler Elf, the
Reverend Pat Robertson, was selling his new guide "Sex is
Not for Pleasure" for a contribution of $120 and he was
giving away "Self-pleasure is Satan's Wicked
Deception" for anyone who called to make a monthly pledge
of $5 or more per month. |
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