| Pope
Benedict XVI has decided being the Pope is just too much
of a cross to bear and has surprised the world by stepping
down and contemplating owning a Pawn Shop in Detroit.
According
to sources close to the Pontiff, it is said that "he
just cannot stand the pressure of choosing which gown to
wear. As much as he condemns
homosexuality, he has a Papal fashion stylist who puts so
much pressure on him to wear just the right thing at the
right event. The Pontiff never knew that
one could need so many different shoes and socks and
gowns. He is just overwhelmed by having to
make the choices and wants a much simpler life," said
the source who refused to be named for fear of going to
hell.
The Pope
issued a statement that blamed his declining health on his
reason but this reporter has gone behind the robes of his
holiness and knows that there are pressures too heavy for
a man of his age to carry anymore. And
another source seems to bear this out.
"The
Pontiff understands that Jesus was a man in his 30's when
he carried his cross and it was much easier for him to
bleed and to act holy while carrying that
cross. The Pope understands that being
85 years of age makes carrying a cross a near impossible
feat should he be asked and he doesn't want to fall on his
face should he be challenged by Satan to act like Jesus
and die for someone else's sins," said the secondary
person close to the scene. "The
Pontiff is really afraid that he'll have to wear something
heavy and cumbersome while carrying that cross and he is
so scared that the Papal slippers will cause him to fall
and to break a hip - the faithful would just die if his
holiness should not be able to complete his Jesus
impersonation." |
In
the balance of fairness, this reporter consulted the
Church of Satan for their reaction to the sudden departure
of Pope Benedict and the following is the official
reaction.
Church
of Satan International
Office of the President of the United States
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 86668
OFFICIAL
STATEMENT ON SUDDEN
RETIREMENT OF POPE BENEDICT
It
is with a heavy heart that we have to comment on the
departure of one of God's children from the office of the
Papacy. We know how much he loves playing
Pope and dressing up and speaking in tongues and drinking
from golden goblets and eating great food and drinking Holy
Water with a twist of lime.
We
cannot let our emotions control the fact that this Pope
supports the life of fetuses and has armed guards and rides
around in a Mercedes and has billions in unused funds while
I have caused so many to suffer with my economic
policies. The Pope has done little to offer
to help me weather any of the storms or global warming that
are creating headwinds for my takeover of the world through
my deception and lies. It pains me that I
resent that he represents love and compassion while I have
to face his followers when they dared to vote against me.
I
hope that the Pope enjoys opening his Pawn Shop in Detroit
and I will work to make the business climate as difficult as
possible for such small business owners.
Signed,
BHO - Chief Destruction Officer of USA |
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