Ramifications
from this year's Super Bowl were felt today as FOX News made a
surprising switch and canned long-term, sniveling, always wrong
former Clinton advisor No Dick Morris and replaced him with
former singer, Alicia Keys, who sang the National Anthem in the
slowest recorded time in history.
FOX News Chief,
Roger Ailes, in a statement issued today notes "Dick held
out for hours clinging to the notion that Romney was going to
find votes stashed away in some cartoon pumpkin patch, but he
failed to realize Halloween was history and no one bribes low
intelligence voters like Barack does. It was
admirable that Dick held out so long, but we just found out
someone who can make 45 seconds worth of song last into the next
day. Alicia Keys is now joining FOX News and she'll
hold the American flag and show some leg even if she is no where
near having any wardrobe malfunction ability."
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On election night, Dick Morris
held fast to his prediction that the polls were wrong and that the pundits
assembled in the "Fox Election Nerve Center" were
wrong. His on-the-air insistence was even highlighted as
cameras moved from his desk to the room where all the political geeks and
statisticians were huddling as they watched all hope of a Romney victory
disappear like undocumented immigrants into the night.
The look of bewilderment was
evident on the faces of the assembled geeks as they watched Dick Morris
profess that he was right and the "brain trust" was
wrong. And while these geeks were shocked to learn that they
had just been dissed by someone whose claim to fame is that he spoke a couple
times into the ear of a former President and part time philanderer, they
secretly planned to short sheet Dick's bed and use lipstick stolen from Candy
Crowley (over at CNN) to write "At least we have a dick without having it
in our name" on his bathroom mirror.
No one knew that Alicia Keys
could take so long to finish a song and the officials at the Super Bowl
wondered if CBS would stay with her entire rendition or if that version would
delay the planned power outage into Beyonce and Whores "Dance like you
got a stripper pole, gurls, cause you look the part" Super Bowl halftime
show.
While the NFL claimed that they
did not know she would take so long to belt out the words, at least she
remembered them all which is something other Super Bowl singers have failed to
do as they rushed through their renditions.
In a related story, Betty
White, now 91, remarked about Alicia Keys' performance - "I wish I could
find a man who could last that long. I'm like Alicia - when I get
to the bombs bursting in mid-air, I want some ammunition left in the cannon or
it ruins my whole night."
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