|
After over a
century of speculation, Cheney spills his guts about his life.
Dateline: Hell,
Texas, Montana or Wherever He is.
After surviving
numerous attempts by Satan to recall him to finish a sentence in
perpetual hell, former Vice President Dick Cheney talks about his
constant fear of common tableware and cutlery.
"Back when I
was in my late 30's, I suffered my first attack that was said to
be where my heart was supposed to be. At that time it
was still too early in my life to suspect I had a heart, but
nonetheless there was a fear that I had a health
emergency. You see, I was sitting at the dining room
table having dinner with my wife, Lez, and I dropped a butter
knife in my lap and caused significant pain in a region that I was
not real familiar with and lez only had seen it in the dark as a
small shadow cast by moonbeams."
An interview done
by the ghost writer, Andrew Rooney, formerly of "60
Minutes" and writing for a much larger media outlet,
G.O.D., has finally been made available to the mortal audience and
has offered interesting insight into the life of a man who appears
to have been breast fed by demons and suck-you-bisexuals.
Rooney noted,
"I was struck by his candidness - I mean, here is a guy who
for all intents and purposes could be having his ass barbequed at
any time for the rest of eternity and he's talking about his fear
of butter knives and salt and pepper shakers."
You can't really
blame Dick Cheney for fearing for his life - many people wish he'd
join Satan in a perpetual flame-broiled ass cooking - so the
incident with the butter knife going after his little dick cheney
had to put the fear of god in his heart.
It is reported that
back in the late 1800's when Cheney was 50, doctors discovered
something that sounded like a tiny watch in his chest after Cheney
had complained of non-lactating chest pains. The
doctors were baffled by the ticking - it was unlike anything that
they had heard, but suggested that since Timex wasn't yet
manufactured, that Cheney might have a tiny heart to go with his
little dick cheney.
As time passed like
the Days of Our Lives, Cheney had chest pains and heavy breathing
every other decade. It wasn't until modern medicine
was able to confirm that which had been long suspected -
that defective watch sound was in fact the heart of an evil
twin that had formed inside of Cheney's chest.
Andy Rooney paused
and sipped some water, "I've long wondered about Cheney and
this story was really making me wonder. I mean, Helen
Thomas and I had joked that no man with that facial expression and
lifelessness could have a heart. It was during this
part of the interview that I just wished I could go back and talk
with and to interview Liberace or Elvis up there."
|
Then the room grew
eerily quiet as Rooney turned his head back toward Cheney.
"I was shocked
- my evil twin was smiling and waving at me after all these years
as he had consumed my own heart and our shared blood vessels were
running right through his left nipple. I never loved
anyone on the left with a bleeding heart and this caused me to
pause. As soon as I realized that I had the
heart of a leftist in me, my body started to attack my mini cheney
and I became ill and almost died. I was rushed
to the operating room and my evil twin was removed and I was left
heartless for a couple of decades until Lez wondered why I had
erectile dysfunction and my little dick cheney just didn't seem to
rise to the occasion anymore. You see - I hadn't told
anyone about being heartless. I just thought they all
knew. Lez figured I'd damaged little dick cheney by dropping
a spoon on it at the table because you know spoons just hurt
more," said Cheney as Andy looked a bit pale himself
wondering if anyone else had wanted to smack Cheney too.
"It was then
that I knew that terrorists might just want to do the right thing
and take out Cheney and that they'd missed a perfect chance on
9/11," said Rooney.
Fast forward to
circa 2009 or 2010 and Cheney was rushed to the emergency room
after Cheney had collapsed shooting another friend on a hunting
trip. Doctors were astonished that Cheney had
seemed to function without a heart for all these years and were
amazed that he hadn't just gone straight to hell without
collecting his $215 Social Security death
benefit.
"We just stood
there looking at each other," said Heart Surgeon, Nochance
N'Hell. "I mean, we pulled out a couple of partially
eaten pork pies and a near complete set of victorian tableware
from inside that cavity, but there was no heart. How
can someone survive this long without a heart?
Who knew? I guess this is what they mean by a
zombie.....," said N'Hell when his nurse stopped him from
continuing fearing that Cheney would rise up and chew off his face
in the middle of the surgery.
After the shock of
Cheney having his evil twin, lil cheney removed, and then the
discovery of the pork pies and tableware, the surgeons were
astonished that Cheney had blood that hadn't turned into
ketchup. So after the anticipation of the blood's
efficacy, the doctors hooked up the heart from a baboon named
Chewy Myazz, and suddenly the deathstar, er, Dick Cheney, became
animated complete with lil dick rising.
The recovery was
long and painful and slowly Dick gained weight and Lez looked more
satisfied than she had since 1845 - she glowed and uttered
"Dick even let me see it in daylight. I didn't
even know he could take it out of its box during the day
time."
Andy Rooney rolled
his eyes and waved as he went toward the light and some reported
seeing a middle digit raised as he disappeared.
|
No comments:
Post a Comment