Thursday, March 17, 1988
I must say that I am truly amazed tonight! I haven't written much since my early days of trying to deal with my homosexuality. I have spent so much time in therapy trying to come to terms with this and in one night I have found the answer. I am normal.
Tonight I went to my first gay support group; it was at the College that I graduated from in 1986. They didn't have anything like this when I was in college! It was held at the Catholic Campus Ministries building. I remember driving by the building a couple of times because I couldn't believe that it would have been in a building like that. I parked the car in a parking lot across the street and then walked across to the building where the meeting was going to be held. I remember being truly afraid of what I might see or hear, but it was Saint Patrick's Day so maybe I could have the luck of the Irish tonight.
I could see in the door through the glass that there were people meeting in there; I was still early, but there were about 15 people (mostly guys) there and though I couldn't see their faces clearly, they were normal enough. I reached for the door and opened it. I had committed to this course of events.....what would happen next? I entered the building, closed the door behind me, and like an idiot asked the group "is this the gay support group?" half expecting that I had found the Bible Study group instead and would be a real idiot. To my surprise, they offered that it was the gay support group! Oh, my God! These people were normal! Look at them! Cute guys with beautiful faces and definitely good enough looking to eat! The girls didn't look like they had just finished a long haul trucking session. My stereotype of faggots has been blown away! I cannot tell you how relieved I feel that I won't have to wear a dress or act like a girl. These guys talked like I do...no hint of them being gay...they weren't effeminate...just like me. They were very much like a straight guy except they wanted dick like me!
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I was so death fully afraid that being gay meant that I had to live the stereotype of homosexuality; I was astonished through the group that these guys and gals were just regular people who were themselves coming to terms with their homosexuality. Some were farther along than others. What was said in the room, its specific language, is staying right there, but I can say that this guy named Brad was profoundly beautiful. What a perfect sculpture of manhood. He must have been 19 or 20...beautiful face, wonderful teeth...great smile, cute ass. Oh, he was wonderful. Oh, I about died when he asked me to sit next to him! His lover was next to him on the other side, but I was nonetheless taken by his kindness and his sexual aura that circled around him like I wanted to!
I must say that I shall never forget this nite! St. Patrick's day will forever be my holiday! My coming out anniversary shall always be celebrated for I have arrived. No longer am I ashamed of being gay. I have witnessed the "other side" of homosexuality that being gay isn't the totality of who or what I am. That I can be myself while being a fag is so profoundly obvious, but I missed it. I just love the idea that I can be as I am with a man and that there are other guys who share my feelings and insight that don't wear their homosexuality on their sleeve.
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My journal
thoughts about why St. Patrick's Day means so much to
me. As some of you may have had an easier
time coming to grips with your homosexuality, there are still
countless young men and women who wonder what they've done wrong
or why it was them who happened to be born gay.
As trivial as
some of these thoughts may seem to some, these thoughts were
transformative as I expressed them. I seriously drew a
demarcation in my time line of life - before this moment and
after. I pass these onto those who, like me,
came to accept their homosexuality in later in life - not as a
teenager - but as an adult and what this did to change how you
viewed the world and how you viewed yourself.
You can view
more of my "Coming Out" journal by
clicking
here
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