"Younger Me" Younger me Made it harder than it had to be Trying hard to dodge my destiny Would get the best of me Younger me Way too young to pace a bedroom floor Always dreamed of kicking down the door What were you waiting for Younger me Was as reckless as he should have been Close calls and down falls and getting back up again And doing it all again Younger me Overthinking, losing sleep at night Contemplating if it's worth the fight If he only knew he'd be alright Younger me Youth ain't wasted on the young These trips around the sun I needed every one To get where I'm standing now It's an uphill road to run For my father's son Keep it together It won't be that way forever Younger me Hanging out but not quite fitting in Didn't know that being different Really wouldn't be the end Younger me Youth ain't wasted on the young These trips around the sun I needed every one To get where I'm standing now It's an uphill road to run Yeah, for my father's son Keep it together It won't be that way forever Younger me You got me where I am today Got a few things right along the way You'll see just wait Younger me Please note lyric video is available in my Gay Music Artist Youtube Playlist and the Music Video is available in my Country Music Youtube Playlist. Update, Monday, April 19, 2021 Rolling Stone, "Brothers Osborne Offer an Anthem of Encouragement in 'Younger Me" American Songwritter, "Brothers Osborne Open Up About Anxieties & Coming Out"

"Was it wishful thinking," I mused. "Was the recent music video release, "All Night," a prelude to something more?" 

It is no secret that I am a huge country music fan and have been a huge Brothers Obsorne fan ever since I saw their music video "Stay a Little Longer" that featured couples including a gay one. In mainstream country music it is very unusual for anything homoerotic to be featured. And while there have been country stars that have come out, those singers were frankly second or third rate ones who barely had a career prior to announcing they "batted for the same team". But the Brothers Osborne had me hooked and they have never disappointed as they poured out hit after hit and became a national force in the music industry.  

The release of their recent album "Skeletons" had me intrigued. What was this all about? Little did I know that it was a prelude to the news that one of the brothers, T.J, would come out in a Time Magazine article to admit he is gay. One of the music videos "All Night" quite frankly had my gaydar going off the charts. It was homoerotic on so many levels and was so layered in intrigue as to what message was going to be offered later.

I thought that that first music video of theirs that I had seen five years ago was just a teaser and being inclusive in an industry that doesn't do much more than pay lipservice for gay artists (unless they strike it out on their own and take their production to independent labels); but here we have a huge national country star admitting that he's a gay man.

Kudos to T.J. You are quite the man as well as quite the performer. 

Below are the three music videos mentioned above.   First, "Stay a Little Longer" and followed by "All Night" and "Skeletons" (in your closet).

National Coming Out Day has come and gone this past October 11th.

This day used to mean much to me, but as the years have past, some 33 years to be precise, I am left with a feeling of "yawn".    I can recall the pain and angst of facing my homosexuality during my early 20's (my selected journals of that time are here:   http://thunderview.blogspot.com/p/coming-out.html).

I have no real interest to retreat or to revisit that period in my life as such a visitation serves no real purpose.   For I see this rear view mirror living as being selfish and seeks to elevate my coming out as being important.  

Those who are dealing with their homosexuality or bisexuality today no idea of what it was like coming out in the late 1970's and early 1980's as AIDs was starting to take hold and culling the promiscuous homosexuals who gave many gays a bad name for decades.    While there is a sudden desire for gays to marry these days, such was the furthest thing from gays in this dark period of homosexuality as how much ass you could fuck and how much dick you could have in a day was all the rage.    There was really no comprehension of being monogamous during this time.

But my boo hoo moments of dealing with homosexuality pale in comparison to those who were gay in the decades and centuries prior to my understanding of being attracted to men.   My life experience blazed no trails or opened any doors for anyone else.   But there were brave and courageous men and women who helped to make the modern gay coming out experience to be minimal and even less remarkable than my own.

I wish young gay and bisexual men and women would revisit history and to see how easy ya'll have it right now even if there remain pockets of repression.

And please note I will never desire to understand the need for gender speculation as there are studies that suggest that even after hacking off your cock or making your cunt into one, the issues of gender identification are not cured or resolved.    And what a mess we've made of thousands of lives who have undergone the tragic transformation of their natural gender only to find that nothing has changed on the inside.    That is why I will never advocate or be concerned with gender speculators and resent the additional letters added to LGB.   There are no other letters that can equate to the sexualities of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals.    I resent the bastardization of our plight with those who want to put their meat hooks into our situation.   Your situations are nothing like ours and  you need to fend for  yourselves in your psychological issues.

I have now been so far removed from those days in the 1980's that life is normal to me loving cock and craving it.   I had my true love whose promiscuous lifestyle took his life from me with AIDS in 1993.   I have a really remarkable true gay friend of the past decade plus who I can share our similar life experiences of our generation.   I have no need to revisit my teens or 20's and am most glad that time has given me wisdom and a healing.  

Being honest about yourself is the only thing that matters and live your life as you want.   And shut up about it.

Colorado senior Evan Young was a model student. He finished his high school career with an impressive 4.5 GPA and a scholarship to Rutgers University, and he was named Twin Peaks Charter Academy High School’s valedictorian.

But when school officials read a draft of his graduation speech—a customary honor given to the highest achiever—they opted to silence the student.

The talking point principal BJ Buchmann had a problem with was Young’s revelation that he is gay. Young planned to disclose his sexual orientation publicly for the first time during his speech.

“My main theme is that you’re supposed to be respectful of people, even if you don’t agree with them,” Young told The Denver Post on Thursday. “I figured my gayness would be a very good way to address that.”

Young sent a copy of his speech to the school administrators, who returned it to him with requested changes, most of which Young said he made. But when it came to omitting his sexual orientation, Young drew the line.

“I’d told him I’m not going to remove the part where I say I’m gay, because I am. It’s important to me,” said Young.

Adding insult to injury, the principal also called Young’s parents to let them know about the problem with the speech, and in doing so outed the 18-year-old to his mother and father.  Read the rest of the story here.

Thursday, March 17, 1988 - (written when I was 26)

I must say that I am truly amazed tonight! I haven't written much since my early days of trying to deal with my homosexuality. I have spent so much time in therapy trying to come to terms with this and in one night I have found the answer. I am normal.

Tonight I went to my first gay support group; it was at the College that I graduated from in 1986. They didn't have anything like this when I was in college! It was held at the Catholic Campus Ministries building. I remember driving by the building a couple of times because I couldn't believe that it would have been in a building like that. I parked the car in a parking lot across the street and then walked across to the building where the meeting was going to be held. I remember being truly afraid of what I might see or hear, but it was Saint Patrick's Day so maybe I could have the luck of the Irish tonight.

I could see in the door through the glass that there were people meeting in there; I was still early, but there were about 15 people (mostly guys) there and though I couldn't see their faces clearly, they were normal enough. I reached for the door and opened it. I had committed to this course of events.....what would happen next? I entered the building, closed the door behind me, and like an idiot asked the group "is this the gay support group?" half expecting that I had found the Bible Study group instead and would be a real idiot. To my surprise, they offered that it was the gay support group! Oh, my God! These people were normal! Look at them! Cute guys with beautiful faces and definitely good enough looking to eat! The girls didn't look like they had just finished a long haul trucking session. My stereotype of faggots has been blown away! I cannot tell you how relieved I feel that I won't have to wear a dress or act like a girl. These guys talked like I do...no hint of them being gay...they weren't effeminate...just like me. They were very much like a straight guy except they wanted dick like me!

I was so death fully afraid that being gay meant that I had to live the stereotype of homosexuality; I was astonished through the group that these guys and gals were just regular people who were themselves coming to terms with their homosexuality. Some were farther along than others. What was said in the room, its specific language, is staying right there, but I can say that this guy named Brad was profoundly beautiful. What a perfect sculpture of manhood. He must have been 19 or 20...beautiful face, wonderful teeth...great smile, cute ass. Oh, he was wonderful. Oh, I about died when he asked me to sit next to him! His lover was next to him on the other side, but I was nonetheless taken by his kindness and his sexual aura that circled around him like I wanted to!

I must say that I shall never forget this nite! St. Patrick's day will forever be my holiday! My coming out anniversary shall always be celebrated for I have arrived. No longer am I ashamed of being gay. I have witnessed the "other side" of homosexuality that being gay isn't the totality of who or what I am. That I can be myself while being a fag is so profoundly obvious, but I missed it. I just love the idea that I can be as I am with a man and that there are other guys who share my feelings and insight that don't wear their homosexuality on their sleeve. 

Catch the rest of my coming out journal excerpts here.

Real world coming out - not for profit - but for love.

Digital Remastering of 1988 Coming Out Video I came out as a gay man rather late in my life - in my mid to late 20's - in an era that was confronting both AIDS, tens of thousands of deaths of young men from the disease, and a still not very significant acceptance of homosexuality by society.   I was very closeted and had not told anyone of my homosexual feelings until my final years of college when I came out to a professor whom I trusted.   From that point on, my life had been in flux as I was dealing with the prospects of being gay and what that would me on my life afterwards.   Fast forward to 1988 when I had had a revelation on St. Patrick's Day that year and had attended my first gay support group at a local Catholic Outreach center at my university.   It seems odd now that a gay and lesbian support group could be held at anything dealing with Catholics, but the group was moderated by the local priest, Father Francis, and my first exposure to the group proved to be the turning point in my gay life.    I remember approaching the group with trepidation - I was going to be with the first real gay people that I knew and wasn't sure of even what gay people looked like!     Having managed to get the courage to attend this first meeting, I remember walking up the stairs of the porch and opening the door and looking at the people who had arrived early like me - and they were so "normal" looking!    I was so taken aback that gay people could actually look normal that I nearly turned around when I blurted out "is this the gay support group?" and Father Francis greeted me and asked me to come inside.   As the session progressed it was clear that I was much like the rest of the young men here - I wasn't swishy or effeminate and neither were they.   It was like a group of my straight friends was here and the overall feeling was quite electric.    It was the moment when I walked out that I realized and accepted I was gay. I had decided after a few sessions that I wanted to produce a video (one of my first) about my coming out feelings and experiences and the segment you are about to see was a portion of several that dealt with various aspects of that coming out.    Overall, my experience was a very heavy and dark one where I constantly was second-guessing my sexuality and trying to hide it fearing I'd become like the only other gay guys I had know in school - really swishy, girly types of guys who lisped. In this video below I decided to deal with segments of my coming out - (1) dealing with a fear of religious contempt - even though I wasn't church-going, many of my friends were fundamentalist Christians and I felt angst from that - even as I tried religion to cure my feelings at one point; (2) I had had a period where I was so afraid of being gay that I had gone beyond considering suicide - I was considering how to do it (3) and then there was a new found feeling of energy of looking forward to being in love with men and a budding exploration of my sexual orientation and feelings. Since the only computer I had at that time was a Commodore 64, the graphics that I had used at the beginning were from that machine though they weren't part of the clip that I extracted below.   I had used two VCR's to make the video - one being the master source - and the other with the video in sequence - and then I used a walkman type of audio source with a jack to add music at the end.   The video that was produced by adding clips was removed from the second VCR and put back in the source player and the music was added during the rerecording of the eventual final copy - so the quality was not real clear but it was the best I could do at that time. It was always something in the back of my mind to redo this video with better quality when I could but I didn't want to destroy the original message - as imperfect as it was, there was something about the final product that was 90% of what I had wanted and it was timed close enough to the music to be at least illuminating with the message even given the video's weaknesses.     So here it is in 2014 when I had some time to take a DVD of the original movie and to convert it in my video producing software and music from itunes and then I went after the project in earnest - there were issues with trying to match the video to the music - the timings were not the same as the original so I had to work out the differences and do some new tricks - adding a clip or two here or there where possible - slowing the video footage down where possible to work it with the audio in pace - as well as having to compensate for time lost as I used fade transitions which ate video footage and required more inserted footage not found in the original.   And even though the original movie had nearly two hours of footage, most of the footage that I had used appeared in the first 22 minutes of the movie so there wasn't much extra footage I could pull from. And now I'll ask you to review the original video (presented first) and then to view the remastered one - please choose full-screen for this viewing - you'll see so much more that you couldn't see in the original!

Thursday, March 17, 1988 I must say that I am truly amazed tonight! I haven't written much since my early days of trying to deal with my homosexuality. I have spent so much time in therapy trying to come to terms with this and in one night I have found the answer. I am normal. Tonight I went to my first gay support group; it was at the College that I graduated from in 1986. They didn't have anything like this when I was in college! It was held at the Catholic Campus Ministries building. I remember driving by the building a couple of times because I couldn't believe that it would have been in a building like that. I parked the car in a parking lot across the street and then walked across to the building where the meeting was going to be held. I remember being truly afraid of what I might see or hear, but it was Saint Patrick's Day so maybe I could have the luck of the Irish tonight. I could see in the door through the glass that there were people meeting in there; I was still early, but there were about 15 people (mostly guys) there and though I couldn't see their faces clearly, they were normal enough. I reached for the door and opened it. I had committed to this course of events.....what would happen next? I entered the building, closed the door behind me, and like an idiot asked the group "is this the gay support group?" half expecting that I had found the Bible Study group instead and would be a real idiot. To my surprise, they offered that it was the gay support group! Oh, my God! These people were normal! Look at them! Cute guys with beautiful faces and definitely good enough looking to eat! The girls didn't look like they had just finished a long haul trucking session. My stereotype of faggots has been blown away! I cannot tell you how relieved I feel that I won't have to wear a dress or act like a girl. These guys talked like I do...no hint of them being gay...they weren't effeminate...just like me. They were very much like a straight guy except they wanted dick like me! I was so death fully afraid that being gay meant that I had to live the stereotype of homosexuality; I was astonished through the group that these guys and gals were just regular people who were themselves coming to terms with their homosexuality. Some were farther along than others. What was said in the room, its specific language, is staying right there, but I can say that this guy named Brad was profoundly beautiful. What a perfect sculpture of manhood. He must have been 19 or 20...beautiful face, wonderful teeth...great smile, cute ass. Oh, he was wonderful. Oh, I about died when he asked me to sit next to him! His lover was next to him on the other side, but I was nonetheless taken by his kindness and his sexual aura that circled around him like I wanted to! I must say that I shall never forget this nite! St. Patrick's day will forever be my holiday! My coming out anniversary shall always be celebrated for I have arrived. No longer am I ashamed of being gay. I have witnessed the "other side" of homosexuality that being gay isn't the totality of who or what I am. That I can be myself while being a fag is so profoundly obvious, but I missed it. I just love the idea that I can be as I am with a man and that there are other guys who share my feelings and insight that don't wear their homosexuality on their sleeve. -------------------------- My journal thoughts about why St. Patrick's Day means so much to me.    As some of  you may have had an easier time coming to grips with your homosexuality, there are still countless young men and women who wonder what they've done wrong or why it was them who happened to be born gay. As trivial as some of these thoughts may seem to some, these thoughts were transformative as I expressed them.   I seriously drew a demarcation in my time line of life - before this moment and after.    I pass these onto those who, like me, came to accept their homosexuality in later in life - not as a teenager - but as an adult and what this did to change how you viewed the world and how you viewed yourself. You can view more of my "Coming Out" journal by clicking here

Commentary from the Queer Side I understand the feeling of having to live in the shadows being a gay person - fearing being discovered - or unwilling to pay the perceived price for coming out. I am also most cognizant that coming out in today's world pales in the price of one's future that those of us who faced the decision decades earlier. In short, there is nothing noble or brave about today's youth proclaiming their homosexuality.   You see, this is a tired game - a game of exploiting one's sexual orientation to gain power and to gain fame.   There is nothing you are doing that makes you free.      Being gay, is, well, so passe. So you crave cock or kiss another man.   Big whoop. And I'm not concerning myself with lesbians.   They are a different animal where man hate is even more in vogue. There is a need for gay people to live their lives in an honest way, but seriously - this drama of coming out on youtube or on a television show has reached such nauseating levels that we are soon to be inundated with male dancers who admit they are straight or olympic male ice skaters or dancers doing the same. Once upon a time or in lands far, far away, being gay and coming out exacted a price of lethal proportions.   We know of the history of gays being persecuted - wearing pink triangles by the Nazis or killed by whatever religion was in power.   We also have as recently in the Stonewall riots where gays had had enough about being persecuted and rose up against the police and made a statement. Coming out in those days and lands took balls and often resulted in imprisonment and in execution. Despite the left's worship of multiculturalism where all two bit cultures are supposed to be respected, we find that being gay results in  executions and torture.   Our beloved "mooslim friends" seem to carry persecution upon gay people with a relish not found anywhere on this planet.    In Iran, they have no gay people and this is their own statement.   If you are found out to crave peen as a man, you are just another well hung gay man.    In some other mooslim nations, being gay gets you a stoning or a necklacing. In those lands, coming out risks you so much that your life is almost certainly ended. So now we look upon America, in the post millennial hype, where being gay is now something that is expected and has become very boring.    There is not one shred of courage to come out - maybe you'll be shunned by your Christian parents, but life goes on and the Democrats are there to give you stuff to keep you alive when you can no longer live in your parents' basement and get insurance coverage as a child after you reach age 26. Oh you poor things! In sports, we have seen a cascade of peen lovers now come out to the public.   We've had this in the NBA.   We've had this in diving and swimming and soccer and a myriad of other sports.    And now we have a college football player, on the cusp of being undrafted as a mediocre player, suddenly finding it time to come out publicly (even though he had done so with his team months ago) on the eve of the NFL draft.    A once uninspired player with no value is suddenly the queer of the month with hopes of raising his draft value for profit by exploiting his sexual urges.    And we hear that the marketing departments of major corporations are knocking on his door to procure his queerness for profit. I find it insulting that athletes come out on the beginning or waning end of their careers - seeking profit and fame. Meanwhile millions of innocent and loving people come out annually and live their lives.   Some like Anderson Cooper and Ellen admit they are gay and don't exploit for profit.   They do good and are prime examples of how gay people should live and conduct themselves.   Bravo!

To of Us is a 1987 gay-themed BBC television film written by Leslie Stewart and directed by Roger Tonge.  It was produced as part of the BBC Schools SCENE series, and intended for young adults. It confronted the Thatcher government's attempt to ban gay sex education in schools via the controversial (since repealed) section 28 legislation.  Given this backdrop, the BBC opted not to show it during the day and it was screened at night, even though it was originally created for a school audience.

Coming Out Journals

Hi, I just added my "Coming Out" journals from the 1980's to this blog.   To view them, click here  These were originally written in the 1980's and posted online the first time int he 1990's.   So keep this in mind when reading.    These aren't the totality of the journal entries I kept, but it gives you a glimpse into the tough time I had dealing with this during a period when AIDS was discovered.