I come before you as a twice elected black president.
That gives me the absolute right to ignore what most of you want.
I know better. I am the smartest man in any room by a distance none of you can comprehend.
How dare you natural born Americans think that you can preclude the sharing of the American Experience with those whose first actions by virtue of stepping on American soil without authorization is breaking laws which I find to be unfair and worthless. Many of you selfish peeons think that being born American gives you some precious rights that no other humans have.
You didn't fight and die for your rights.
How is it that those citizens who exit a vagina and land on an American hospital bed or table make you so superior? How does the fact that you escaped abortions and managed to mature to full term and then just happened to be dropped here in this country that was stolen from native Americans make you special?
American Exceptionalism!? Oh, please!
I know nearly half of you selfish people who call themselves America never have voted for me. You have obvious race issues that prevent you from appreciating my greatness - the bold and calculated thought processes that I use on each issue.
Congress - filled with many rich, white males stand in my way at every turn. And don't think they oppose me on any other level than I'm black and they're crackas. I've lived prejudice and am uniquely qualified to know that being black is something to exploit when things don't go your way. And Congress has stood in the way of me making that bumper crop of undocumented immigrants who didn't have proper GPS and just happened to mistakenly and on-purpose land here in America into potential Democrat voters.
The nerve!
These same rich, white men who stand in my way at every turn in Congress are outraged - and well they should. I was supposed to be given everything I want - I'm black - and I'm President. It doesn't matter than my Party's participation in elected offices has declined since I took over. I won my two elections.
Tough shit!
I acted to make nearly five million of our misguided travelers just as important as you fancy pants crackers - and these voters will kiss both my rings as they would with the pope and my ass. And just to show you natural born Americans that I can play your game, I'll turn those blobs of human tissue mass that exited the latina vagina in America just as important as you - and I'll then extend the rights of anchor babies into the right to posthumously make their relatives American citizens and do so well into the 1500's.
There are just too many of our misguided southern traveling brethern to just deport them - and since no Canadian is so stupid to cross into America, we don't have to worry about northern crackas getting the same treatment as their southern brethern. If Canadians want to cross our border without authorization, we'll arrest them with the extra forces we don't use to chase after the Latino ones!
Pretty soon you crackas will be paying for these 5 million misguided traverlers - they'll get social security numbers - driver's licenses - free goodies that only those foolish black voters thought were theirs. These misguided travelers who didn't know the time of day cause they unfairly had to try to read english will get theirs and you'll pay for it.
My job as President is to punish those of you who pay taxes, are proud of your country, and who have the nerve to think you "built that"! And since you throw tantrums and voted out fine Democrats, you'll get more and more of my Executive Actions in the next two years. And since none of you crackas has the balls to stand up to me, I'll punch you in the gut and steal your hard earned money to spend it in ways that are far superior to how you could.
If you don't like what I'm doing.... SUE ME!
Signed,
Barack Hussein Obama
President of the United States and the first elected monarch of the new america
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