I'm now watching a show I think happened last week - going from nine to eight pieces of shit. The joy.
I don't know the names of any of the contestants. They are the uni-brow of hideous and noxious noisemakers - they blend together in a kettle of shit stew that is just less annoying than hearing a woman give birth. I'm not even going to try to be nice. I can't work a miracle. I just call it like I sees it. And I see dog shit everywhere.
And to the contestants in no particular order.
There is the pedophile special - some chippie who looks like a chick and sounds like a puppy being sacrificed.
There is some predator (the movie) looking dude with a huge mouth, jaws like jaws, and a voice that makes you want to do ear removal surgery on your own with a pocket knife. Donkey mouth.
There is some chick with Mrs. Slocombe hair that sounds like she is singing out of her pussy. Her teeth are school bus yellow. And I'm not overstating the cosmetic appeal either.
There is another non-african-african-american man who looks like he hasn't shaved in a decade. He also sounds like he hasn't found a musical note he can hit during the same time.
There is some n-a-a-a chick with hair with red. She's awful.
Did I mention that this was Kelly Clarkson week? Thankfully they did not make the contestants put on 200 pounds of body suit to look like Kelly.
There is some guy who fancies himself a stud. He is appealing as a dick-less man. He sings like a drowning man.
Jayho was wearing red on her eyelids. I hope that is a cosmetic add-on instead of an indication of some terminal disease. Oh, wait. I do hope it is terminal.
Harry Con Artist was the only judge who had his ears open tonight. Unfortunately he also had his mouth open. Usually I dismiss him but he is the only not blowing smoke up the contestant's arses. He's dissing them and they look absolutely clueless - and he's not dissing - he is giving constructive feedback. These twits look like their participation trophies have just been revoked.
Ryan Secrest was sporting a scruffy beard. Looked like a non-lipstick lesbian.
Kelly Clarkson got up to sing several times - dressed in enough red to look like a ripe tomato - a huge tomato - a 300 pound tomato. Did I mention she has legs that looked like turkey drumsticks? She'd have to lose weight to play Miss Piggy. She wore a gold belt high enough to suggest there are boobs above. Otherwise the stomach would have stuck out further than her mammaries. Think this is fat hate? Focking get over it - I was not lying. She's a porker. Oh well. Oh no - more Kelly - she's wearing a dress like Delta Burke would have from "Designing Women". Delta had no mass advantage here - I tell you. They just showed her legs in that black and red dress - one thigh is as wide as Ryan Seacrest.
Damn this show is dragging on - four are saved and now the guy who hasn't shaved in a decade has been saved. More ear pain is coming on. I can feel it, Elizabeth. I'm coming to join ya, honey. Absolutely ghastly.
Is American Idol a singing contest or a freakshow? I'm almost begging for ISIS to do a beheading or two with their butter knives. Can you think of a better way of putting on 30 minutes of programming instead of these people singing? After 15 seconds the sounds from their mouths will sound nicer!
Donkey mouth freak show just was saved. I'm not sure if he's smiling or if he has to take a shit. Horrific. Ghastly. Justifiable homicide inducing noise. This is what steamrolling five dozen cats would sound like. Oops, someone slipped in a few dogs - that scream of his - you could get rabies both visually and from his noise.
Bottom three are pedo special, some other guy, and some other guy. The second some other guy is going to sing now - on most weeks he can almost sing. He does have some purty eyes and nice dick sucking lips. He was the only one who even tried to sing. The others inflicted noise pollution upon us.
Pedo special and the first other guy will sing for their "audience" save. It's pretty bad when you have to have saves for people who can't save themselves. Pedo special looks like Ellen when she was 12. He sounds like he should be going back to school and to not be heard from again. Now the first other guy is trying to sing - took a fast paced Miss Piggy song and turned it into his funeral march. Can you imagine this - pedo could survive - this is horrific!
And now the "fan save" via twitter - five minutes - wouldn't it be easier just to act like an Iranian and hang one of them? Pedo goes back to school and the other guy won't need the funeral this week.
If you have a spare moment and want to experience ear bleeding, evidently American Idol is on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Twice the torture.
No comments:
Post a Comment