It is now down to two - Dick Sucking Lips and the Guy Who Loves Himself More than Anything.

Delayed broadcast - and tonight's two shows are so unimportant that I did not even know who won the show - this says how bad this season was - I didn't have to work to avoid hearing about who won season 14!     No one cares!

Three rounds of torture - (1) Contestant's Favorite    (2) Simon Fuller's choice   (3) Contestants' singles

It should be noted that JayHo had a top on that made her chest look like an exposed vajayjay....

Round One was so bad there was no winner.

Round Two was a clear Dick Sucking Lips victory - this song played to DSL's strengths and exposed GWLHMTA lack of vocal variety.

Round Three - A dreadful round.   Each performer sucked.   A sucking draw.   No orgasms.

Projected Winner - Two draws and one round going to DSL - DSL is the American Idol.

Dick Sucking Lips Guy

Starts with "Georgia on My Mind" - has a cheap performance with fake Ray Charles head bobbing - starts softly and then goes into screaming.


"Ain't No Sunshine" - second song - again starts softly - and then the screaming starts - this is getting too predictable.   My ears!  

"Champion" - It started out horrificly - off key - awful song for his voice - it exposes him - this is a disaster - was this this a set up to get that other disaster of a singer to come from behind?

Guy Who Loves Himself More than Anything

Starts with "He Stopped Loving Himself Today"... well, not really, it was "Bright Lights" - it started flat and never recovered - the bug stomping feet movements were back - the impersonation of Daughtry was laughable - there is no singing talent here - he's just a rocker voice without any real talent - he looked spastic.

Jay Ho was practically straddling Guy Who Loves Himself's peen with her analysis - her ovulating had his name on an egg - it was disgusting.  Repeated scenes of Guy Who Loves Himself's father - vomit inducing.

"I Won't Give Up" - started slow - it was oddly paced - his lack of voice is apparent here - weird facial expressions and odd head movements supplant bug stomping - it was an odd sounding affair.

"Beautiful Life" - what the fock - started out like Neil Diamond - now yelling - this is horrible song - it is like a Disney Song on Crack - this is the worst final set of songs I've heard ever - this guy can't sing - the back up singers were masking his lack of range.

And now for the requisite two hours of foreplay before we end this year with a climax of a droplette of pleasure.    Previous years had us gushing with enthusiasm - this year we might not even realize there was a climax.    

Now we have worthless acts with the insertion of worthless failed American Idol contestants.

First we had the living jacksons with the blue hair cunt who hasn't found a voice yet.   It was not good on any level.   The living jacksons were as awful as the american idol retread - ghastly - what a fitting performance for this year's results' show.   After listening to this, I'm not sure these were the living jacksons....

This year's results show has performances by people you've never heard of and nearly dead people.   

Up next something called nile rodgers - who the fock are these - sprinkled in with them are more american idol 14 castoffs - "we are family" at least we can think "birdcage" - "freak out" was a ghastly rendition as american idol vajayjays were as off tune as any - and just so I can be called insensitive - the requisite black male wearing a head covering since we know everyone has to be a phocking pharrett.

Ricky Martin was on - poor guy - no one told him this was no talent at the apollo night.   He was ghastly - tonight's show was like having to do a smoke filled lounge in Detroit - five non-drunk people and the rest all sharing a bong.    Then there was scag face and odd mouth from the american idiol cast offs and the sound was quickly turned into a Surgeon General warning.   Then the number two guy appeared and we knew it was time to flush it down.

I'm not sure what a Janal Monae is but she's horrific - ghastly - flat - typical type of music that is recorded today - more worried about slutty moves and not one ounce of singing talent.    Some odd guy with a beard appeared - this is a joke!

Another nothing singer - Prince Royce - one shit after another tonight on Crap radio!

Has every modern act been reduced to impersonating sex acts to music?

Now Jayho is on stage - the misery won't stop tonight.   Something called Pit Bull was on stage.  Watch your step, there was poo on stage - there had to be.

Another crap act Echosmith with the American Idol magic mushroom - egads is this bad - flat and off tune.

The highpoint of the show was Keith Urban singing - a real singing voice - really distinctive - really talented - woohooo!   I remember seeing Keith Urban at a non-profit where I was working - a fundraising concert when Keith was nothing and just starting out - this guy just nails it!

Next up Wanda and the Number Two Guy - it was almost okay then Number Two Guy entered - dressed up like cheap date with skin tight pants and a sweater pulled down to his knees - ghastly - and the requisite Pharrett hat.   If I wanted to hear guys sing high notes, I'd listen to the Bee Gees.

New Kids on the Block - now sounding 80 years old with the trippie teenage faux singer from American Idol - they noted in the preshow that he had big feet - oh dear.    It was that kind of night - when you have to flash the words of their song on the screen and all the words are "oh" - you know the night sucks.

Then there was some curly haired guy singing like a chick with the hairball hair with a pierced nose guy who always dressed horrificly - I'm not sure what is worse - the way he looks or his singing.

Pitbull - whoever the fock they are - Chris Brown - isn't he a woman beater?   And them another washed up American Idol 14 faux singer.  

Steven Tyler was on - not sure if he was a man or woman - not sure if he was a dead body animated or a drugged up human - he is not aging well - then the faux rocker faux blonde bitch came on stage - more yelling and shrieking than a Rosanne Barr and Tim Arnold marriage fight - at least it was entertaining if not easy on the ears.

Dick Sucking Lips performed with what is left of Michael McDonald - it was kinda sad to see how he could barely sing - at least DSL sang fairly well even if MM could barely open his mouth at his advanced age.

Now to the Guy Who Loves Himself More than Anything and the Father That Loves Himself Even More - Andy Grammer - can't sing worth a lick and the song that GWLHMA - ghastly - horrible - vomit inducing -

Trio of judges performing was actually quite good - and Harry Conartist wasn't singing - thank you!

And the winner of the worst season of American Idol is.....

The Guy Who Loves Himself Wins!     This is truly the frosting on a dog pile cake of a season.   How fitting - a guy who can't even sing and who stomps roaches when he performs!

I'm watching the show once again on Huluplus on delay.  Using 8 inch tablet to kick the video to big screen HD tv via HDMI- external Logictech speakers with subwoofer.

A new wrinkle - only positive comments.   I tried to be nice, but sometimes you just gotta keep it real...

Three songs (mentor choice, hometown choice, judge choice), four contestants.   After watching the first songs it can be said the top have fallen, the bottom have risen, and we have mediocrity in abundance.   I honestly do not see anything that sounds like "wow" for these artists - they are either imitations of someone else or untalented.    At no time this season have I purchased a single iTunes song and I have done so in previous seasons - declining frequency in recent years.    There is so precious little substance here that anyone could win this - including number two guy.   Mediocrity has truly risen.

How can anyone win this year?    They are all just average with enough stolen ticks from other artists to have a gimmick.   This is a guaranteed worst ever American Idol class and the least number of records sold.

Bottom two guy.

Song one.    I have no idea what the song is - Nice red jacket.    Judges were all over this.

Song two.    "As" - Stevie Wonder - This has to end....

Song three.   "You are so beautiful" - "Joe Cocker - The best vocal interpretation of an old Chrysler starter motor sound by a human.   The Pharrett gimmick hat matched the jacket that was harvested from your gramma's velour couch.   He had three different hats tonight.  I think Pharett only wears one.

You knew I couldn't just sit here and allow sugar to flow without a spoonful of reality.    Here is the real juice - I just hate this guy - he's fake - he wears a hat because the Pharrett does - he has a high pitched voice that is disgusting - he deploys it too often - his real voice is nothing special - you'd change the station on the radio if you were to hear him.   He is so limited that he spent almost every week in the bottom two.   Unless the pond is drained, he won't rise to the winner.    

Dick sucking lips, blue eyed guy.

Song one.    "Beautiful Day" by U2. - I liked his hair.   Judges were all over this.

Song two.   "Sitting on the dock of the bay" - Otis Redding.   He was SIT-TIN (you'd have to watch to get that).   His best in weeks. 

Song three.  "Earned it" - The Weekend - I love him in a suit (like Christmas Wrapping Paper on a gift you want to tear open) - I don't know the song - he is back in the genre of music that works for him - and then he went overboard on the ending.   Took great and just shit on it.

You knew I couldn't just sit here and allow sugar to flow without a spoonful of reality.    Here is the real juice - I want to like him but he doesn't improve each week - he is stubborn to the point of arrogant - sometimes his voice is overpowered by the band - and he likes to shriek sometimes.

The guy that loves himself more than anything.

Song one.    "Because the Night" - Bruce Springsteen - The song ended.   Judges were all over this.

Song two.  "Back Home" - Andy Grammer - He didn't hump the microphone stand.

Song three.  "I'll Be"  - Edwin McCain - It ended.

You knew I couldn't just sit here and allow sugar to flow without a spoonful of reality.    Here is the real juice - I also can't stand this jerk - when he sings he moves his legs repetitively like he's stomping roaches - his voice is unremarkable - he thinks he's a blend of Daughtry and Bruce Springsteen and he's nothing.   His persona is one of self love over everything else - he also comes across as a man above all men in his manliness - the hippest of the hip.    The fact he's still here is because of the female and gay vote who can't look past his cheap manly veneer.   What a fake - he is just impersonating others' works - and that bug stomping by his feet - I want to barf.   You've heard his voice dozens of times before - when other people sing - he is not unique.   He is full of himself.

Bleached blonde faux rocker now Lady Gag Gag Redux

Song one.   "My Generation" - The Who - The reduce the volume button worked.   Judges were all over this.

Song two.    "My Immortal" - Evanescence - Typical of her - she can sing beautifully when she is impersonating someone else.   One of her better performances.   Of all the contestants, she has real talent if she ditches being a fake rock star.    She's a better singer than the three guys and has a voice you can remember and that comes out beyond the band.    Even though she is all gimmick about her performance, she's a genuine talent.   Watch out for this one.   She just put herself in the front.   The question is whether this is just shit rising or a Carrie Underwood seizing the moment?

Song three.    "Misery Business" - Paramore - Beautiful iceberg that she struck.  

You knew I couldn't just sit here and allow sugar to flow without a spoonful of reality.    Here is the real juice - I loathe her lack of originality - she exploits imitation more than others on this show - she pretends she's a rocker and she's awful - she pretends she's Lady Gag Gag and she improves, but there is nothing genuine here.    Her bleaching is so awful that it looks like white straw.   If she were true to herself, she'd be the rocker when she sings like Gag Gag - that would be unique and interesting - or she could look like Gag Gag when she rocks.    If she sang opera, she'd put on a body suit and gain three hundred pounds.   There is nothing real here.   She does have a cute brother though - real dark hair and nice smile.   Hmmmm....  Her last performance was horrific.   Even if the notes had had a handle, she couldn't have carried one.    Just when I was praising her, the real bleach blonde bitch shows up.

Finalist for inflicting audio rabies on America

He who loves himself more than anything

Dick sucking lips and beautiful eyes

Bleach blonde bitch made it

And that means that number two guy has been flushed!    yippeeeeeeeeeeeee

Watching again via Huluplus on a delay....

Two performances tonight for each pain inflictor - song from Judge's hometown (odd, Nashville is not Keith Urban's hometown) - and a song that best fits the performer (who can sound like a dog being hit by a car).

Top four perform which means one is euthanized.

Russell Crowe brought out the results and he is getting to be rather portly as he ages...

Dick sucking lips and beautiful eyes is through to the final four snores - really awful - front runner is sinking like a stone in the water - (sound of door opening for the bottom two guy).   Song did not go well with his voice.

Bleach blonde rocker cunt - she's abandoned her awful 1980's rocker image - sounds much improved without being a rocker - she actually has a voice - much better than dick sucking lips thus far.    Dark horse.

He who loves himself more than anything is in the top four - what are the voters hearing in this jerk?   Absolutely nothing special about him - tries to sound like Daughtry and fails.   JayHo looks at him like she's rapimg him.    He's spastic and goofy and the sound is unremarkable.

I was just reminded you can buy these tunes on iTunes - but why?

Purple-haired skank sent home - she cannot sing at all.   Goodbye, bitch.

Bottom two guy makes it through again - singing a Lady Antebellum song - and doing a horrific job - he butchered the song - that voice is hideous.    It was a caricature performance.     He took a great song and made it absolutely dreadful.

Martina McBride (whom I love) did a ghastly job of "Somewhere over the rainbow" - it was amateurish and jerky - I'm surprised how wretched it was.    Her voice didn't handle the song well at all.   Looks like her ear piece was malfunctioning.

Dick sucking lips turned in another horrible performance - he should go home after this - I can't believe his arrogance for disregarding the criticism of the mentors that was spot on.    He was my favorite but my ears are being punished by him tonight.   He needs to learn to shut his trap.   You are the weakest link, buh bye.

The competition is now wide open after DSL torpedo'd his chances....

Fake blond now-non-rocker started off ghastly - every note she sang was wrong - then she worked it out - she hit it out of the park - a real performer here - final two will be her and number two guy.   Book it.

Number two guy - I don't like his voice at all - but he delivered as good as he can even with those horrible runs he has that horrible hat - he saved himself.

Now the guy that loves himself more than anyone has ever loved himself without his cock in his hand.   Now he gets to murder a Rascal Flatts song.  Really weak voice.   Lackluster performance.   

Who goes home?   It will be the peen factor - which peen does the audience want in their mouth - or whose lips around their cock?    DSL against the Guy who loves himself.

Season Fourteen is drawing its last breath and the sounds from the stage are chilling in their level of horror.

And so we now proceed to the elimination of one of the six to get down to five performers of questionable talent.

And a dark horse has emerged.    The season-long bottom two guy has managed to find a way to stay in it to win it and his race could well play a big factor in the final outcome.    What remains to be seen is if he can string enough notes together in key to stay around until the end.

And I'm still not going to mention them by name.   That would show respect.

Once again I'm watching this on delay on Hulu so the results are already known if you gave a damn.   But none of the results would have the flair that I present while I type and watch this show on my veranda with a mint julip (or two) close by and with a beautiful yellow dress with white laced top looking as a Southern Belle should look.  

It should be noted that if JayHoe had enhanced mammaries, they'd be sitting on the desk right now with the way her dress could barely contain the chest pimples she currently has...

And now for the misery.... In Two Chapters - Two Songs - Double the Misery

Blonded haired rocker bitch is the first in the top five - she's really not blonde and she really can't sing - but hey, this is American Idol and the only thing that matters is the back story about how her parents thought she was the son of a poor white sharecropper - er - fireman.    And so the torture of the faux eighties rocker is ready to begin - omg - this is bad - its a flat performance with dancing even worse than the singing (if that were possible).    This is how Blondie would sound inside a coffin.   Universal praise from the judges adds icing to a cake that has living maggots crawling inside.

Next up is that man who loves himself more than you ever will - and now the obligatory sob story of him tearing something and not being able to play basketball - so he's now trying to impersonate a singer and we are the collateral damage of his performance.    These sob stories by American Idol are stale - I could give a flying monkey's azz about their rough childhood.   That voice.  It is like a Bate's Motel shower and knife experience.    I don't think I've ever seen a metrosexual male love himself more - and in metrosexual males, that is quite an accomplishment.   Doughtry he is not.   And the judges were all over this - and they should since apparently that was da shit and dey were da flies.

Dick sucking lips and bright eyes guy is the third one selected - short story about his childhood - no real sob story for FOX to exploit - "I Believe in Yesterday" - no guitar for him tonight - slam down the best vocals of the night (nothing new) - if he doesn't make American Idol Winner  he can be my bed Idol every night.

Usual purple haired cunt now has different hair but the sob story is the greatest - unmitigated reproduction by her mother and father and homelessness with at least eight that I could count mouths to feed, cut utilities - this is a sob story for a winner of tears - but then she opens her mouth and the horror comes out - with braids she looks like Predator.   She moved around and spread the misery to each audience member up close and personal.   Not sure why she's still here since this is a singing competition and what I hear is simply horrifying.    The judges were searching for positives but Leonard Nimoy is dead and it is not gonna happen.

The bottom two are ... drum roll ... bottom two guy and that rat bastard who whined last week and who is all gimmick and no song.   This should be painful.

All dance and no voice awful dresser is up first - sob story about gun violence - it is odd that some of these performers have no baby daddy in their lives - how sweet!    Today he is dressed like a dead 1960's black artist (this happened already once this season) - dog shit brown pants - awful leather or faux leather ones - that pierced nose and hair that does not set my heart on fire.   It's time for this gimmick to be shown the door.   This was perhaps his best performance - but that is like saying you found the tallest Keebler Elf in the tree.

Bottom two guy is up next - another performer with the sob story of no baby daddy in the life - it is so heart-warming that the guy that knocks up the mother is nowhere to be found - well, that is America today - no responsibility for one's reproduction - he is wearing a hat - I guess he thinks he's that awful thing called Pharrett - wow is this a bad performance - off key - screechy - there is no power to this voice.   Could this be where All dance guy steals another round?   Sang a Sam Smith song and like the original to have someone who can't sing trying to sing it.

Next round

The Guy Who Loves Himself - takes on a Rod Stewart song and really did nothing with it - how is this different than Rod's other than Rod could sing it?    What a lightweight this cat truly is.  I suppose not sucking is an upgrade for him but there was nothing special here - and he cannot afford to be invisible.

Purple haired cunt - Amateur night at the Apollo without the positives - high school musical level of development - it had no substance - it was not graceful and she looked like a mack truck covered in tin foil.    She took a Bryan Adams song and just made it plodding and soul-less.  JayHo was so searching for positives.   That shows how bad it was.    Ray Con-it was perplexed.  

Snapchat artist?   That ranks right up there in the food chain with flies on shit.

Dick sucking lips guy is now going to tackle a Justine Bieber song - it was absolutely awful - one of his worst performances - pitchy - didn't work at all - high pitches - could have been the worst performance of the night.   Song did not fit his voice at all.    Ray Con-It didn't like it - Keith wasn't digging it either - even JayHo wasn't drooping her boobs for it.

Next up is Blonde Haired Bitch - Revival of the 1980's without hitting anything of its positives - now she's dressed in something so out of character - she looks like a female - her hair is pulled up and she's impersonating Lady Gag Gag - she is not original - just a gimmick - her best vocal ever though.   If she gives up her 1980's rocker for this - she could win American Idol - by far the best performance of the night.   She held the parts she should hold - milking it - without rushing it.   One of the best performances in this season.

Bad Dresser and Gimmick Guy - He looks like a woman - maybe this is what Bruce Jenner will wear with Barbara Walters - too little too late - he will be able to perform at Walt Disney World in the Lion King when he's done tonight.   Nothing much there.  

Pharrett wannabee bottom two guy - I"m tired of the black men who think they have to wear hats each time they perform - this is so old - its a gimmick and not a good one - this is an awful performance - he's even worse than Bad Dresser Guy - he should go home based on the vocals.   He no longer will be in the finals -the blond-haired bitch just took that position tonight - and there is a danger that this dude won't be back.   The ending was vomit-inducing.   HORRIFIC.    This is an average guy without any real talent.

Good grief - Bottom Two guy moves on.    Last save now.   He's going home after that purple haired cow.

And now for another weekly installment of a show with limited talent and no appeal.   Once again via Hulu I watch and report...

Well, there were seven.   The chairs are lighting up but not the performers.    The sounds you here are the death pains of a show that is ready to meet Jesus.

I fully intend never to learn the names of the performers.   They are almost always awful - the worst season ever - and last year was the worst season to date.   And the producers of the show wonder why their majestic money maker is sinking - the friggin noise it makes!

And now onto the contestants...

Purple-haired bitch.   Awful.   Flat sounding.   To borrow from Simon, "sounded like a high school musical at a funeral home."   She'll join Jennifer Hudson in the mediocre afterlife with a much higher rating than she deserves.   I bet she'll donate a few family members' lives to the cause to complete the horrific and underwhelming career she is bound to have.

Dick sucking lips and eyes is up now - usually he is the only one who manages to perform above shit level - did I mention I love his eyes?     He was okay - drowned out by the band - his voice was almost invisible.   There is no doubt he is the only one this season with talent.

Blondie Witch - no singing talent here - trying to be some 80's rock witch - could be the sacrificial lamb in the finals against dick sucking lips.    Awful in any language you can say it.

Fancies himself as hot shit guy - not the worst - not that good - nothing particularly interesting about him - his self love makes him so unattractive - in a year when the competition is weak, he is rising to the top.   But then again, shit floats too.

Bad Dresser, Even Worse Singer Guy - Looks like some exhumed black rock singer - absolutely cannot sing - has nothing about him to even desire - certainly has nothing between the legs - all gimmick - all noise - all nothing.

Purple headed magic mushroom skank - bottom two along with the usual bottom two guy - now a noise off to see whom will be less offensive and saved.    Skank ditches her usual off-beat look and now sounds like a lounge lizard with the looks of a freaky bitch in a black dress - not awful - then bottom two guy comes along and sings a song people know - he'll likely be saved just because of that - it wasn't well sung, however.

Second songs...

Moonriver and dick sucking lips - I'm sold - do me - do me - do me.   Not his best vocals but his look has my legs springing up with landing lights ablaze....

Purple hair bitch - as good as she can do it - which is not very well at all.

He loved himself guy took time out to try Billy Joel.   At least it wasn't awful.   And then he loved himself more.

Bad dresser and even worse singer transformed himself into a bedspread and sounded like it was filled with bed bugs - his appearance makes my skin crawl - but not as much as his lack of singing talent does.

Rocker bitch should practice what she was singing and just "beat it".   There is nothing here.   The voice is awful - the look is dated - the only reason anyone moves with the song is they recognized it and were playing Michael Jackson and ignoring her.

Bottom two guy - his best version yet - saved himself here - he'll likely never sing like this ever again.   And then he focked it up at the end with those gawd awful runs and high notes.   Oh well.

Purple haired magic mushroom chick - she went back to gimmick - it was awful - she looked weird, dumpy, and hysterical all at the same time - and she sounded even worse.   Good buy turd.

Purple hair magic mushroom chick goes home and number two guy stays another week to be the number two going home guy - his rightful place in mediocrity.

Another delayed broadcast being seen via Hulu Plus....

Top Eight are cut down to the Top Seven.

Blond eighties looking chick sang a Lady Gag Gag song.    It was no worse than the original.

The guy who fancies him all that and a bag of chips sang a Catty Perry song.   It wasn't good, but I don't know the original (just like I've never heard the Catty Perry one).    No harm and no foul - and I'm sure this won't be the worst of the night.

Some clown who can't sing named Jason Derulo sang like a bad Bee Gee and sounded like a chick with a high voice.   He is all dance gimmick and no voice.  Awful.   Never heard of him before.

Pimp Daddy Black was saved - he was dressed like a pimp in all black - hasn't shaved either - nasty looking - perpetual bad hair day contestant - he was mentored by the dude with a chick voice - awful - rancid - egads - he has fingernails like a chick - long - this voice has nothing to offer - flat - dull - plodding - and now he goes into the chick voice - ear splitting putrid.    The only thing he doesn't have on stage is a 1974 Eldorado with curb feelers, purple metal flake paint, white halo vinyl roof, and crushed velvet interior.

The good thing about Hulu is that I can skip the garbage - I don't want to know why an awful singer chose to sing like he does.

Florida George Line sang - lightweight and overrated country group - basically a one hit wonder that tries not to drown.

Mrs Slocombe hair just got in - not surprising - she wasn't awful last week - now she'll sing "wrecking ball" by the slut Cyrus.  She looked like a nuclear magic mushroom with scary purple hair and sounded like Lady Gag Gag with even more pitch and control issues.    She still has school bus yellow teeth.

The only real singer guy made it through - beautiful eyes and dick sucking lips mesmerize me - apparently he is the only one who can sing - he was way better than anyone else.

Jennifer Hudson tried to impersonate a singer.    She's made a career out of it.

Bad hair gurl who had red last week is now purple - awful - flat - off tune - ghastly.   Can't carry a tune or string notes together without two trains colliding.

Bottom two - Donkey mouth and Bottom Guy Part Duh from last week - they are going to have to sing for their save - this should be vomit inducing.

Bottom Guy Part Duh sang Adelle - he set fire to the song and it was excruciatingly awful.

Donkey Mouth brought his usual failing to sing gimmick show to the stage - all gimmick and no talent - putrid appearance and dress - hopefully he'll get punted and we can be done having to endure his mouth any longer - those facial expressions - he begs to be hit by a tractor trailer.

Neither of these jerks deserves to be saved - they cannot sing!

Donkey mouth goes home!   YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

I missed a week of reporting.    But, this is American Idol, and if you missed the show I did when it was live you had best not have caught it on Hulu like I did.    My ears bled.   I take it for the team.  

I'm now watching a show I think happened last week - going from nine to eight pieces of shit.    The joy.

I don't know the names of any of the contestants.    They are the uni-brow of hideous and noxious noisemakers - they blend together in a kettle of shit stew that is just less annoying than hearing a woman give birth.  I'm not even going to try to be nice.   I can't work a miracle.   I just call it like I sees it.   And I see dog shit everywhere.

And to the contestants in no particular order.

There is the pedophile special - some chippie who looks like a chick and sounds like a puppy being sacrificed.

There is some predator (the movie) looking dude with a huge mouth, jaws like jaws, and a voice that makes you want to do ear removal surgery on your own with a pocket knife.   Donkey mouth.

There is some chick with Mrs. Slocombe hair that sounds like she is singing out of her pussy.   Her teeth are school bus yellow.   And I'm not overstating the cosmetic appeal either.

There is another non-african-african-american man who looks like he hasn't shaved in a decade.   He also sounds like he hasn't found a musical note he can hit during the same time.

There is some n-a-a-a chick with hair with red.   She's awful.

Did I mention that this was Kelly Clarkson week?    Thankfully they did not make the contestants put on 200 pounds of body suit to look like Kelly.

There is some guy who fancies himself a stud.    He is appealing as a dick-less man.   He sings like a drowning man.

Jayho was wearing red on her eyelids.   I hope that is a cosmetic add-on instead of an indication of some terminal disease.    Oh, wait.  I do hope it is terminal.

Harry Con Artist was the only judge who had his ears open tonight.   Unfortunately he also had his mouth open.   Usually I dismiss him but he is the only not blowing smoke up the contestant's arses.    He's dissing them and they look absolutely clueless - and he's not dissing - he is giving constructive feedback.   These twits look like their participation trophies have just been revoked.

Ryan Secrest was sporting a scruffy beard.    Looked like a non-lipstick lesbian.

Kelly Clarkson got up to sing several times - dressed in enough red to look like a ripe tomato - a huge tomato - a 300 pound tomato.    Did I mention she has legs that looked like turkey drumsticks?   She'd have to lose weight to play Miss Piggy.   She wore a gold belt high enough to suggest there are boobs above.  Otherwise the stomach would have stuck out further than her mammaries.    Think this is fat hate?   Focking get over it - I was not lying.   She's a porker.   Oh well.    Oh no - more Kelly - she's wearing a dress like Delta Burke would have from "Designing Women".    Delta had no mass advantage here - I tell you.   They just showed her legs in that black and red dress - one thigh is as wide as Ryan Seacrest.

Damn this show is dragging on - four are saved and now the guy who hasn't shaved in a decade has been saved.   More ear pain is coming on.  I can feel it, Elizabeth.  I'm coming to join ya, honey.    Absolutely ghastly.  

Is American Idol a singing contest or a freakshow?  I'm almost begging for ISIS to do a beheading or two with their butter knives.    Can you think of a better way of putting on 30 minutes of programming instead of these people singing?   After 15 seconds the sounds from their mouths will sound nicer!

Donkey mouth freak show just was saved.   I'm not sure if he's smiling or if he has to take a shit.  Horrific.  Ghastly.    Justifiable homicide inducing noise.    This is what steamrolling five dozen cats would sound like.   Oops, someone slipped in a few dogs - that scream of his - you could get rabies both visually and from his noise.

Bottom three are pedo special, some other guy, and some other guy.    The second some other guy is going to sing now - on most weeks he can almost sing.   He does have some purty eyes and nice dick sucking lips.    He was the only one who even tried to sing.   The others inflicted noise pollution upon us.

Pedo special and the first other guy will sing for their "audience" save.    It's pretty bad when you have to have saves for people who can't save themselves.    Pedo special looks like Ellen when she was 12.   He sounds like he should be going back to school and to not be heard from again.  Now the first other guy is trying to sing - took a fast paced Miss Piggy song and turned it into his funeral march.    Can you imagine this - pedo could survive - this is horrific!

And now the "fan save" via twitter - five minutes - wouldn't it be easier just to act like an Iranian and hang one of them?   Pedo goes back to school and the other guy won't need the funeral this week.

If you have a spare moment and want to experience ear bleeding, evidently American Idol is on Wednesdays and Thursdays.    Twice the torture.

Only a Positive Take - It Hurts Less

I know this show played on Thursday, but I'm viewing it as I write.

If I really wrote what I felt about this show, I would still be writing two hours after the show stopped playing.

In short, this was one of the worst American Idol shows ever.   What we had were the top ten natural singing disasters of all time.   Give or take one.

The freaky white chick who is usually the worst was at this point the best.   This was because she held back whereas everyone else decided to overplay their hand and they were simply dreadful.   She was almost good - which for her was amazing considering she is usually absolutely dreadful.

The other performance of note was when Jay Hoe did her usual singing for sales performance - her dress was amazing.   It was long and formed a circle around her that had to extend 10 feet in each direction - and it seemed to be either able to protect images or it was able to have video projected on it - it was the best of the entire show.   Jay Hoe also contained her usual miserable performance and delivered something understated - and tonight understated trumps everything else.

Even Clark who is usually good was horrific - he went understated and couldn't carry a note.    American Idol is in serious trouble - everyone thinks they can change the melody and that they are a genius.   Tonight was like walking through someone's back yard who owns a dozen dogs and there was dog shit all over and you ended up stepping in a fresh one just as you tried to avoid another.    

Based on tonight, American Idol needs to end production.    The judges were mostly trying to salvage a seat cushion from sewage contaminated waters.   On a good day there are only three or four contestants that can sing.    Tonight only one managed to be the seat cushion.