I have!
It is rare these days that I get to interview someone so fresh from the scene of a crime, but I am here with Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez, who recently sent four brave Americans who hadn't won any courage awards from hacking off their nuts and replacing them with two boobs, to heaven while also bagging a place in the Hotel Hades for himself.
I was able to secure this exclusive interview because Barbara Walters hasn't assumed room temperature yet, and try as she might, God just likes me more.
ROONEY: "Hello, Mohammod. How are things in hell?"
MOHA: "You are damned right this is hell. The virgins here are all 90 years old and have cactus spikes in their hoo hoos."
ROONEY: "Well, you got your virgins at least."
MOHA: "Have you ever tried to tap a 90 year old virgin even without cactus spikes inside? The lining of their hoo hoos is like sandpaper."
ROONEY: "I'm sure that is a comforting thought to some. I'd like to discuss your recent activity that sent you to hell. Why did you kill those 4 innocent marines?"
MOHA: "With a name like mine you have to ask?"
ROONEY: "Apparently the news media on earth can assume if you are named Billy Joe you committed a hate crime if your victim is black, so I was wondering why the media can't figure out that with a name like yours you weren't trying to send them Hallmark cards."
MOHA: "Die infidels. Allah Fuckbar."
ROONEY: "Can we say that on UV's blog?"
MOHA: "I'm sorry - I fear UV more than I do that Petunia you have as a President down there in the United States of Whores"
ROONEY: "You should fear UV. Progressives find him as repulsive as a crucifix. Anyway, you killed the marines for what reason, exactly?"
MOHA: "They were brave and had earned purple hearts fighting my brothers. I wanted to bring as many of those pieces of excrement with me."
ROONEY: "I can assure you that marines don't go to hell. God needs a few good men and Liberace is playing with his organ right now and everyone is having a gay ole time up here. Too bad you get all the women down there - they are always asking you about how you feel."
MOHA: "At least we agree on this. I'm having to pull cactus spikes out of my boner every day."
ROONEY: "How long did it take you to grow your beard. It took me over 90 years to get my eye brows to comb over like they do."
MOHA: "Allah demands I grow my beard and I did so when I assumed majority age - so its been four or five years. You can't be a good Mooslim without a good beard. And if you think my beard is bushy, just look here..."
ROONEY: "Jesus. You could comb that over your ass cheeks!"
MOHA: "One time I braided my arse and pubic hairs together and ended up with a 30 pound dingleberry."
ROONEY: "I'm sure Allah was so proud of you."
MOHA: "He was even prouder when I used it as a stone against some woman who killed her husband that raped her. Me and the boys stoned her good."
ROONEY: "Do you hunt or have a Confederate Flag hanging somewhere? I know you are from Tennessee."
MOHA: "I have plenty of guns that I got from my friends who sent them to me via UPS from Iraq. I bet these are the same guns the four marines had used. Turnabout is fair play. As for the Confederate Flag - it clashes with blood from other folks whom I've beheaded."
ROONEY: "Do you have any last words before Satan spends eternity shoving a cactus up your ass?"
MOHA: "I've experienced sex with a goat. We could do that at any time without offending the great mullahs. As long as the goat was focking me it was okay -if I did the goat, I'd have some serious issues with retaining my head."
ROONEY: "Thank you for the interview, and I know Barbara is jealous I got the exclusive."
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