First Post Mortem Interview with Albagdadi

Andy Rooney:   Hello to you, Albagdadi, and for you taking time from getting humped by Satan.

Albagdadi:  Grrrr...  Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   Want some lube?

Albagdadi:   Grrr... Infidel. 

Andy Rooney:   Allahfukbar to you too.

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   One track mind, I see.

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   I hear you lost your head in that tunnel.    That is kinda ironic that you, Big Dadi, would have your head separated from your body like you commanded children to do to your enemies.

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   I hear that your beard didn't get a drop of blood on it but your your little bag dadi couldn't be recovered.    
 
Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   You had a much bigger vocabulary when you were hiding behind children, a podium, and raising your finger into the air like you were Bernie Sanders.    

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   Does Satan hump your torso with the legs still attached or is he just using your head to get off?

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   I see how it is, big dadi.   You were all talk when you can get others to do your killing.    Did your three children end up in hell with you or did Jesus lift them out of the hands of Allah and make them angels.

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   Is it true that Satan is getting ready to also house Hillary, Nancy, Adam, and that former fat daddy, Jerrold Nadler.    Care to comment?

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:    How hot is hell?     We always here that it is hot as hell here on earth from those who are climate change hoaxers.    

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   I'd ask you to add a comment with sign language but I can see your arms are here, here, and your hands are in tens of pieces.   Did Satan eat your middle fingers because I can't seem to find them here (looks into the doggie shit bags that the US military carefully wrapped Albagdadi parts).

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   I guess the Special Operations guys saved you from being wrapped in bacon since they used it for BLT's for lunch.

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   The President, Donald J. Trump, was rather a cad by claiming you whimpered and cried and overall made a fool of yourself when you were found.    Did that great Dog, Conan, make you shit your long dress?

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.

Andy Rooney:   Do you have any final words for your followers?

Albagdadi:   Grrr...Infidel.   Satan's got a big dick.        

Exclusive Presentation by UV News Service

His well hung corpse is barely chilled in his new stainless steel slideout morgue cell but Andy Rooney had to travel to a place slightly warmer to get the first interview with the child molester, Jeffrey Epstein in this Hellfire Interview.

Disclosure:   Andy Rooney had to arrange with the Embassies of Heaven and of Hell in order to secure his safe passage and back to visit with Epstein the molester.    God and Satan agreed that Andy would be permitted back to heaven if God did not impede Epstein's immediate eternal imprisonment in Hell.    Even angels like Andy Rooney have to wear protective gear to prevent their souls being seized by a renegade Demon wishing to score points with the Devil.

Andy Rooney:   "I bet you didn't see that coming.   One minute you were a small man sitting in a jail cell after taking the virginity of hundreds of little girls.   The next minute you were well hung."

Epstein:  "Well, I think the Russians set me up."

Andy Rooney:  "Yeah, PMSNBC was saying the same thing.    Jerrold Nadler and Adam Schitt were also sniffing around your corpse trying to detect Russian conspiracy aroma."

Epstein:  "So that is why Adam had his nose in my junk."

Andy Rooney:  "So did you commit suicide or was this a real life episode of the Swamp setting you up so that big time Democrats weren't exposed for being child molesters?"

Epstein:  "Do you seriously think I'd hang myself with billions of dollars left for my defense?"

Andy Rooney:  "Point well taken.    So how is hell?"

Epstein:  "This place rocks.   Little devil girls who give me all I can handle and I get more orgasms now than when I was alive.   I just have to watch for the demons who booger me with their mile long dicks.   But, everything heels up quickly and we go at it again and again and again.  I'm told I'll get this for eternity."

Andy Rooney:  "I'm sure you are enjoying yourself."

Epstein:  "My cell in prison is right next to the Clinton wing.   Preparations are still ongoing for Bill and Hillary's final stay here.  It is no Ramada or Holiday Inn.   Hillary is going to be disappointed than none of her demands will be met here.   She'll have eternity to invent excuses why she lost.   Satan knows she's a bitch and she'll be singing like Tammy Wynette."

Andy Rooney:  "I can't imagine the torture you'll endure hearing her singing."

Epstein:  "No problem here.   I'll be in a pile of demon girls all looking like hot 12 year olds who will give me head, take my head, and reattach it with barbed wire sutures."

Andy Rooney:  "You have so much to look forward to."

Epstein:  "And I have my own personal island in a sea of fire.   The view is amazing and my skin tans like a hot dog on a bbq.   Just the right amount of burn."

Andy Rooney:  "So how many virgins did you bag while you were hunting for children?"

Epstein:  "512.   Once you leave the earth and the fog of being human, reality is very clear."

Andy Rooney:  "So, who are the big names that have yet to be disclosed who enjoyed you for this young girls?"

Epstein:   "Really big names from all over the world.    There won't be any mooslim names since they go after boy harems.   But there will be Catholics and Baptists and the details will make your toes curl."

Andy Rooney:  "Any last words before you are consigned to your Demon Chicks for eternity?"

Epstein:  "Yes, just because you are rich does not mean you get away with anything.   fIf those who whore around with like the Clintons are still breathing, you won't be.   You can't take your billions with you so try to spend it on a solitary confinement wing to give you hope you can get out to abuse more children."

Welcome to the first Andy Rooney interview with Robert Mueller - the Special Prosecutor who didn't know what was in his report but authored a letter telling the Attorney General to not misstate what was in the report. 

Andy Rooney:   "Welcome, Robert Mueller to my heavenly interview.   I realize you aren't yet dead, but after your performance on Wednesday, I'd say people aren't so sure.     How are you today?"

Robert Mueller:  "ah......er......I think you'll find that answer in my report."

Andy Rooney:   "Have you ever wondered what it would like to be a dead person?"

Robert Mueller:  "I can't answer that question since I believe it is part of another investigation."

Andy Rooney:  "I can see this is going to be a long interview."

Robert Mueller:  "What part of the report is that contained.   Can you give me the page number?"

Andy Rooney:  "It is in section three."

Robert Mueller:  "I think that section is missing from my copy.   Can I borrow yours?"

Andy Rooney:  "Why were you hired to investigate Russian interference in our elections and you didn't really investigate anything but Trump?"

Robert Mueller:   " I can't discuss our work product or instructions."

Andy Rooney:  "During your investigation did you ever prove that one vote was changed by Russia from Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump?"

Robert Mueller:  "That was outside of the scope of our investigation."

Andy Rooney:  "What was the scope of your investigation?"

Robert Mueller:  (thirty second pause as Mueller wipes the sweat off his brow) "To nail Trump.  I think."

Andy Rooney:  "Why did all of your lead attorneys that were brought on board all Democrats and had contributed to Hillary Clinton (and not to Trump) and had worked for the Clinton Foundation?   And why were there none that had worked for Trump?"

Robert Mueller:  (thirty second pause as Mueller wipes the sweat off his brow) "To nail Trump.  I think."

Andy Rooney:   "Some say that you did not write this report.   What is your comment on that?"

Robert Mueller:  "I don't remember.   Can you repeat that question?    What part of the report is that from?"

Andy Rooney:   "Do you expect to go to heaven when you finally bite it?"

Robert Mueller:  "What part of the report is that from?"

Andy Rooney:   "Appendix 86"

Robert Mueller:  "That must be in the part that is missing from my copy."

The mortal remains of that fucking Maverick, John McCain, has barely cooled down even as his rancid  bitterness lingers like a ghost train of expelled fecal matter.

It is thus we find Andy Rooney leaving his perch in heaven next to God to go to a place slightly warmer in order to get the first post bite it interview with America's biggest piece of shit to exploit five years of captivity into a 20 plus year career of stabbing his party in the back not unlike he did to his first wife after he took one look at her auto-accident wrecked body upon his return from a five year stay at the Hanoi Hilton.

Andy Rooney:   Greetings to you, sir.   I'm sure you are finding your permanent assignment to be a big surprise.    I'd tell you that if you can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen.   Unfortunately it is your ass that is on fire.

John Fucking McCain:   You know, this is all about me and my wonderful service to the United States.   I spent five years as a prison of war - something that John Kerry can't claim - and I turned this badge of honor into a wealthy career working with Democrats as I crossed the aisle in friendship and bipartisanship.

Andy Rooney:   I'm so glad that you mentioned your crossing the aisle to stab your party mates in the back as you sucked Democrat cock.    Did you learn fellatio while at the Hanoi Holiday Inn?

John Fucking McCain:  This is all about me and not about  your distortion of my record.   I spent considerable time with my Democrat colleagues.

Andy Rooney:   That is called treason, sir.   The enemies of our Constitution should never be coddled nor should you lower yourself to give head to someone other than Lindsay Grahamnesty, your beau.

John Fucking McCain: I've never....

Andy Rooney:   Yeah, right.   I am sitting here in heaven looking down at you and your constant pandering to the sworn enemies of a free people.   Countless times you put a knife in the back of fellow Republicans as you crossed the aisle.     I have a question - can you tell the readers of this interview one time you invited Democrats to cross the aisle and to support you on a Republican idea where Democrats caved?

John Fucking McCain:  This is all about me.   I served my country with distinction as a prisoner.    You can't judge me no matter  how many angels you have smirking behind your back.

Andy Rooney:   Avoiding reality is something you are good at - you pushed your wife overboard because she was damaged goods.    I know that made a great impression on Satan.   He knew you were a complete yutz then.

John Fucking McCain:  The bitch was damaged goods and she was all for me dumping her.   She supported it.   And I married someone younger and more beautiful.   She is likely going to be the next Senatricks from Arizona and will carry on with my knife sharing.

Andy Rooney:   Can't name a time when the Democrats came to you to compromise.   That's pretty sad, John.   No wonder Democrats are falling over themselves to kiss your post mortem asshole.    I'm on to  you and so is most of the world that is awake.

John Fucking McCain:  But I crossed the aisle in friendship.   I never donated a knife to any of my party members that wasn't first blessed with a stream of my pee.    I tried to prevent the recipient from getting an infection from my knives.   Plant them I did.   But I had to make this all about me and how I was cultivating the Maverick image.   Those who stood in my way got what they deserved.

Andy Rooney:   I'm surprised Satan has let you out this long.   He must have really hot plans with you taking it up the shitter tonight.

John Fucking McCain:  Satan said he'd play with Adolf and Mao while I do this interview.    Did I mention that I was a five year prisoner of war at the Hanoi Hilton.

Andy Rooney:   Did I mention that you are a permanent resident of the Hotel Hades?

The ghost of Andy Rooney obtained exclusive interview rights with Anthony Bourdain after he cleared Hell's customs and settled into his permanent state of ass barbeque for his wonderful personality while consuming oxygen on Earth.

ANDY:    Hell, Anthony, I trust you are settled in now?

ANTHONY:   I suppose I'm as settled as I'm going to be - they pulled me down from the rafters so that I can enjoy some flaming crow while talking with you.

ANDY:   I noticed the scarf.    Was that given to you by an almost famous fashion designer who recently became the almost fashion designer to hell?

ANTHONY:    No, this scarf was given to me by my friend Anderson Cooper.    He was able to have this smuggled into hell and it is apparently flame retardant.

ANDY:   You were a bit old for Anderson Cooper.   Did you all play priest and choirboy when you were breathing and much younger?

ANTHONY:   I only love myself so there was just a relationship of mentor and student.

ANDY:   Is this where he learned how to cook jerk chicken?

ANTHONY:   No, but I did try to steer him away from a life of self love to one where he could do more than fuck himself.    Apparently he was able to have a long term boyfriend and seeks to live happily ever after.    I gave him tips on how to live without any money as well.

ANDY:   You are such a good friend.     Speaking of friends, have you been able to connect with any of your formerly breathing friends there in the state of perpetual hell fire and brimstone?

ANTHONY:    Well, hell fire and brimstone are like rain on earth.   Today there is only a 95% chance of any of those.    I know this to be true because Satan has not issued us large paper umbrellas not unlike you find in a smaller size in a fruity drink on earth.   Satan only gives out the good stuff when there is sure to be fire and screaming.    As for friends, I am still under quarantine so I'm pretty much by myself.    Satan wants to see how much of an asshole I truly am before he takes my flaming cherry.

ANDY:   Sounds like you at the South Pacific without the ocean, coconuts, or hulu girls.

ANTHONY:   Oh, we have hulu girls here - they are naked, 600 pounds, have ten arms, 5 vaginas with  serpents for clits, and smell really harsh of rotting fish.

ANDY:   I wanted to mention snakes but I assumed that hell came with them as standard equipment.

ANTHONY:   They aren't called snakes here.   They are serpents.   Once they die on earth they get a promotion and Satan names each one and they are his pets.    You can't kill them since they are now part of hell and could one day transform themselves into a child of the Clintons or Obamas.

ANDY:   I hear that some will still keep their earth given names like Chelsea, Mothra, and Sasquatch.

ANTHONY:   Yes, and there is a really big cage for Hillary.    Gold bars on the doors and her own personal hellcat server so she can leak state secrets just like the good old days.

ANDY:   I'm sure there must be something in the nuclear teal color she is so fond of wearing.

ANTHONY:    Oh, no.   She's going to be nude.   Fire will warm up her ice cold snatch and her boobs will drag on the ground with flames - lots of flames.

ANDY:   So, do you regret hanging yourself?

ANTHONY:   I had reached the point where everything I was eating tasted like shit or ass.    Even the ice cream had flecks of dung.   I couldn't escape my career of eating colons and sphincters.

ANDY:   So is the food any better now?

ANTHONY:   Everything is charred here.   It is like eating at a Burger King run by a drunk.

ANDY:   Do you have anything you'd like to share with the readers of my column?  ... all three of them?

ANTHONY:   Spend extra money to get a good rope - the misery of just dangling there really made me angry.   And allow for enough of a drop.   I could have been gone in half the time if I'd have jumped off the matchbox instead of kicking it out from under me.

Emerging from under a rock where she has spent decades only interrupted by fooling California voters at election time into thinking she gives a flying monkey's ass about them, Andy Rooney's ghost gets an opportunity to see what goes on in the mind of an imbecile with a face of a mummy.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  Thank you, Congresswitch Waters, for taking time from your Trump conspiracy theories and impeachment rants to sit with me for an interview.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  Why is it you have to be so disrespectful to me?   I'm about ready to leave you here talking to this chair that I'm sitting on.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  The chair would at least be honest.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  What are you saying?

Ghost of Andy Rooney: I knew your face was made of stone but I didn't realize the calcification extended to your grey matter.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  Why!  I've never....!

Ghost of Andy Rooney: You are stone cold down there as well?

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  Watch it, sucka!

Ghost of Andy Rooney: You seem hellbent on making a name for yourself by contriving the most outrageous comments about the Donald, our new President.    Why have you gone this route?

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  I was promised immunity from prosecution of ethics violations and other criminal enterprises if I came out against the orange haired one.   

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Yes, I was going to ask you about your tainted history since you have gone all and mighty against the Donald.

First, you were  warned against interceding on behalf of a bank with ties to her husband, her chief of staff, who is also her grandson, was "actively involved" in working to help the institution, according to a House Ethics Committee report that accuses you, a longtime Los Angeles political figure of three ethics violations.

You are accused of violating three rules — one that requires its members to "behave at all times in a manner that shall reflect creditably on the House," a second that prohibits lawmakers from using their influence for personal benefit and a third forbidding the dispensing of favors.

Let's deal with this.   How do you plead?

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  I am not on trial here - that Oranged haired buffoon should be impeached!

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Aren't you going to answer these ethics problems you have?

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  I am not on trial here - that Oranged haired buffoon should be impeached!

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Apparently you aren't going to answer questions about your own issues.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  Apparently.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Does your hair move?   Does your face ever change expressions from that scowl that looks like you have a 20 pound dump you need to take?

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  I see you are back on the personal attack mode.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Your face looks like a personal attack dog.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  Watch it, you dead fish eyed fool sucka!

Ghost of Andy Rooney: What is your goal with all this hate against the Donald?

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  I want that motha fucker impeached!    Impeached!   Damn it!   I want that asshole gone!

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Since I'm from the other side, I can guarantee you that your ass will be in a place filled with perpetual barbeques and screams.    You are one nasty bitch.    God shakes his head and marvels at how you can live and breathe at the same time.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  God is just another white man trying to keep a black queen down.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: God loves Rupaul and has a special place for him in heaven.    He doesn't care if you are black or orange.   He just hates stone assholes.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  God is still a honkey - he likes her blonde wigs.   If she wore black fro wigs he'd send her to hell too.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: You have plastic hair that doesn't move.   He hates that in all forms - molded yellow, molded orange, and molded black hair.    And since you cannot pull that molded black wig from your bald ass head, he wants you down there for eternity.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  So, it is a black thing.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: If you keep on talking like this even Satan won't want you.    There is a place for people that are too disgusting for heaven and hell.

Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters:  Where is that, sucka?

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Eternity between Hillary Clinton's legs.

Contrary to the spin, the former fat cow that gives away other people's gifts as her own (known as the ultimate Oprah regift Christmas) did not have the final interview with first cunt, Moochelle MyBelle Obama.

In typical investigative reporting from the other side, Andy Rooney takes a break from telling his stories and whispering in peoples' ears, "Have you ever wondered why?" to go face to face (spirit to monster) with the First Cunt and makes any other interviews an afterthought.

Andy Rooney - I want to thank you for allowing me to interview you and taking time from telling America how they have no hope because you flap your gums.

Moochelle MyBelle Obama - Was that necessary?   I'm going to take the high road.

Andy Rooney - "High Road?   Since when do you take the longest route when your servants make shortcuts for your life and continue to feed your mother who hasn't paid a dime in rent to the American taxpayers in eight years?

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"Confrontation will get you nowhere."

Andy Rooney - "So, will you be running for President.    You could bag two claims to fame.   The first chocolate female elected as President and the first woman to be elected that doesn't have a vagina."

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"I haven't made up my mind and I can assure you that I have a vagina.   I have two beautiful daughters who wear their dresses pulled up to expose their hoohoos to show for it."

Andy Rooney - "I noticed your daughters haven't quite learned how to dress - they take after you with your exposed man shoulders and they want to show they are female by giving salivating Democrats a chance to see young and tender regions."

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"My daughters always were designer label dresses that haven't been worn by anyone else before.    They are beautiful young women."

Andy Rooney - "We have a bet here in heaven that God truly had a sense of humor when the third and fourth documented immaculate conceptions happened.    We are wondering if your daughters aren't a great answer to the abortion debate that what grows inside a woman may not in fact be human..    And we aren't sure what they are."

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"Women have the right to control their own body and can lead from behind like my husband.   After drawing a line in the sand with the word "no" and then consenting to have the line crossed into their hoohoos, a woman should be allowed to change her mind when the decision makes her uncomfortable.    And besides, what is inside her is just a bunch of cells and tissue mass and we must allow women to make their own decision with their doctors and satanic counselors."

Andy Rooney -"We aren't big on Satanic Counselors here in heaven."

Moochelle MyBelle Obama - "I think heaven is overrated.    There is no hope there either."

Andy Rooney -"Why is it that there can only be hope when baby-killing, lying, and climate change hoaxers are in office?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"Because we say so."

Andy Rooney -"Let's talk about this recent Presidential election..."

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"I offered to loan Hillary Clinton some of my dresses but try as she may, the dresses fit her like a Magnum condom on a pencil dick."

Andy Rooney - "I believe you are the first first lady to ever mention condoms in any interview."

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"If you see what I see on Obama's birthday you'd know why I know all about them."

Andy Rooney - "There is only a month or so left before you and Barack and your Mother will be kicked out of the White House.    What will you be doing after that happens?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"Barack will be moving to Hawaii where he will be able to play golf and to stroke his club and smoke as he wants and to eat the way he likes.    My Mother and I will be living in DC for a few more months at taxpayer expense along with our Daughter Sasquatch while our other Daughter Mothra completes school.   Sasquatch will be partying with her friends and trying to resurrect the Choong gang while she seeks to have her schooling financed by domestic terrorists just like her father.   Mothra has told me she likes boys but none will touch her.    I told her that as a condition of the upcoming pardon of Bergdahl that he'll have to marry her and to give us children that are as just as black as her father."

Andy Rooney - "I've always wanted to know ... did you choose the two dogs you did to confuse kidnappers so that they might take the dogs instead of your beautiful young daughters?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"We love our dogs as if they were our daughters.   That would be tragic if they were kidnapped."

Andy Rooney - "Why did you bother with Oprah and her interviews?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"She's black and she needs all the ratings she can get."

Andy Rooney - "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"Poison Oak."

Andy Rooney - "I'd like to get personal here since you mentioned about condoms.    Do you spit or swallow?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama -"I would find it hard to swallow Donald J. Trump."

Andy Rooney - "Has it hurt your feelings that children across America hate your school lunches and would rather eat at McDonald's?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama - "It hurt that I couldn't force the little white bastards who were whining loudly about my lunch menu.   Those little white bastards don't know how good they have it when their black classmates often go without lunch because their fathers abandoned them and their mother is too busy working their tenth baby daddy."

Andy Rooney - "Speaking of race, how do you think America has done with race since your husband was King for eight years?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama - "You didn't call George W. Bush a King.   You are speaking in racist code language."

Andy Rooney - "George W. Bush didn't overspend by $9 trillion adding more debt in eight years as all other Presidents combined and he didn't pick and choose which laws to enforce and didn't rewrite laws to suit his narrow purposes."

Moochelle MyBelle Obama - "My husband is always the smartest man in any room he enters.   I don't think the former President knew how to spell "Oval Office"."

Andy Rooney - "Heaven is calling me back.   I might miss a game of strip poker with some former playmates.   Anyway, do you have any closing thoughts?"

Moochelle MyBelle Obama - "I don't often give interviews to white people so you should count yourself lucky."

Andy Rooney - "And there you have it America.   Many think of her as a monster.   Some like her because they have no taste.   But you cannot deny she is always catty.   Good day."

Election Special:    Hillary Clinton and the Ghost of Lies Told

Democrat Candidate for President of the United States

Ghost of Andy Rooney:   I want to thank Hillary Clinton for taking out time from her extensive nap schedule to be with me here on the one week left to go mark in the 2016 Presidential campaign.

Hillary Clinton:  (Yawn)   I am no ways tarred.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  That is great.   We can expect you to be free from coughing spells and showing signs of demonic possession as well?

Hillary Clinton:  I do this for the children.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  Perhaps if you had listened to your daughter, Chessie, you'd have a lot less stress these days with the resurrection of your email scandal.

Huma Weiner Enticing Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton: Huma assured me last night in between muff diving sessions that I have nothing to fear but Donald Trump supporters.   And you know the FBI didn't prosecute me before.    And the same FBI Director that I praised for being so brave will also find nothing in the over 10,000 emails that were on Anthony Weiner's laptop that Huma said she never used for anything but to surf for old lady porn.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Seriously, Hillary, why did you use a private email server for both private and public emails?

Hillary Clinton: Like I said.   I'm the most qualified person to ever run for the office of the President of the United States; I couldn't figure out how to have two email addresses on the same device.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: I find that difficult to believe.   Most old bats like yourself couldn't figure out what an email server is and how to hire someone to install it and then how to use it.

Hillary Clinton:   You make me blush.   Huma calls me her "old bat" when she gets her mooslim vajayjay all wet and I lap up her cunny honey.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Have you ever considered that Heaven would only be filled with hot, nude, young men with beautifully shaped peens, big balls, and old growth pubes?

Hillary Clinton:   There is a war on women in Heaven?   

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  I hear where you are going always has fried fish - every night - your father loves to fry him up some skank and then to eat her.   And the good thing is that if he wants to taste her again, he doesn't have to vomit her up - he can just snap his fingers and she reappears on the skillet ready to have her fish fried again.

Hillary Clinton:  (proud smile) - You know, Andy, we have a wing of the Hotel Hades already waiting for us.   Bill and I have extensively decorated it in the finest broken ashtrays and wall papered with all the lies we've told.   We have been told that no one has such unique wallpaper since no lie is repeated anywhere in our quarters.    Did I mention that the Clinton Foundation has been praised for its work in Haiti?    We managed to help a few negro children and our friends were well employed and benefited from our generosity.    You would be hard-pressed to find a charity that helps so many rich white people while helping so few people of color.   And those people of color we help are genuinely touched that we just took out their garbage.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Speaking of rich white people... when are you going to release your transcripts from your speeches with your rich Wall Street donors?

Hillary Clinton:  Well our PR firm, Wikileaks, Assausage, and Trickle Down Message services is releasing our transcripts as we speak.   I didn't want to wait for Donald Trump to release his tax returns since he seems to be too busy taking big man hand fulls of women's rear ends (sighs and looks jealous).

Ghost of Andy Rooney: Do you really think the Russians are behind all the hacking?   I mean, I just read about the only operational Russian Air Craft Carrier and it runs for a few days, breaks down, and has caught fire numerous times.     Come to think of it, that carrier sounds like your campaign.

Hillary Clinton: As you know, we are leading in all the news media polls that we've paid for.

Ghost of Andy Rooney: How close are you and Huma Weiner and do you find it ironic that you'd ditch weiners to be with one?

Hillary Clinton: Huma and I are like mother and daughter - in a kind of Arkansas way - where we pleasure each other.    This is not to be confused with how its done in West Virginia where brothers and sisters chase each other and act out the Garden of Eden.    Huma says she likes her woman well aged and I have a great respect for the taste of Mooslim puntang.     This is a wonderful multi-cultural experience of double ended dildos and a man-free environment.    Huma does cringe when I have to be with Bill in public; but she knows that I go home to her and Bill goes home with another woman who he likes to play a rough old man with some quite frankly ugly young women.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:  In the 1990's when you were standing by your man (supposedly not like Tammy Wynette) and baking cookies and telling America it took a village to raise stupid children, you also mentioned that there is a vast right wing conspiracy against you.   Do you suppose that that vast right wing conspiracy still exists?

Hillary Clinton: I have no doubt that there are still mean, beer-bellied old men who love Jesus and their guns who can't get it up without a little blue pill who are still bitter that I am as shapely and attractive as I am with so much power to rule over them.   And on November 9th, I'll not only ban guns, but I'll ban peens!

Ghost of Andy Rooney: When did you first acquire the taste for fish?

Hillary Clinton:  Well, it was in second grade when Mary Sue Beth Wilkinson showed me her hoohoo and I fell in love.   I lifted up my skirt and showed her mine and we ate dessert right there.   It wasn't until I was 16 when I was first with a boy and he just left me there covered in his goo and told me to clean myself up or I'd look like a hoe and every boy would smell it and want to take a poke.   It was then I knew I liked girls better.   Unless you find a super soaker girl who could put out a fire with her excitement, girls are just less of a mess than boys.    And women don't roll over and go to sleep while you are covered in their seed.

Ghost of Andy Rooney:   Our last question.  Thank you for your time.    Do you think you'll be our next President?

Hillary Clinton:  Well, Andy, I want to thank you for being able to get out Heaven to interview me.   I know God must be proud of what I've done with my life for the children (and for women).    I am extremely confident that all the time I spent colluding with the alphabet networks and rigging the Democrat primaries in my favor over that old fart Bernie will pay off with a victory.    America wants to stay the course and to remain in the ditch with Barack and Michelle (I've never had a taste for jungle fever).   I know that my voters are barely more intelligent than Neanderthals and they believe every word I say - this is why I've never had to tell the truth because my followers are that close to driftwood in mental acuity.    I truly want to make college tuition free to all those who want to go and that all of my wonderful plans won't add a dime to the national debt - all because I say so!     And since this interview has gone on for more than 15 minutes I think I'll take a nap now.

The iconic WW2 celebration kiss photograph features Greta Zimmer Friedman and an undisclosed sailor.   Unfortunately, Greta at age 92 passed away.

But not all is lost.

Andy Rooney got first dibs on Greta as she approached the Pearly Gates.

And below is the interview you've been dying to read.

Andy Rooney:  Greta, thank you for allowing me to interview you first.   I know that Walter Cronkite was begging to do this first.

Greta:  Yes, Walter approached me first but he was only wearing a tie and you wore at least a suit coat and a tie.  

Andy Rooney: Well, Walter hasn't been quite right since he has spent time in the clouds.   You have to forgive him.  I think he has altitude sickness.

Greta: It was just unsettling to see an old male angel with wings and a tie and nothing else.   I'll have that image burned into my soul for eternity.

Andy Rooney: I can see how that would be unsettling.   I'd like to start this interview with a question I know most people are asking, "Did that young and virile sailor slip you some tongue during that kiss?"

Greta:   He really tried.   I didn't want to be very forward at that time and the cameraman was right there so I kept my mouth closed.

Andy Rooney:  Was there anything else happening that night after he kissed you?

Greta:  I don't like to kiss and tell, but I could feel something rise in him and it had me curious.   We rented a room for a couple of hours and I can assure you that there was something almost as big as a submarine down there.   And I went to work on it - he was in heaven as I licked the enormous helmet and pretty soon has a mouth full of more than saltwater.    I swallowed since it was a special day; my girlfriends told me that good girls don't do that but I was diving deep and couldn't resist landing the whole load.

Andy Rooney: Did he dive for your muffin?

Greta: He ate it like it was an entire bakery.    He was my first down there and he couldn't get enough.   He ate it like he was going back overseas the next day.   I kept calling out God's name.  I think that is why I'm here now.   God felt my snatch throb.  I can almost right now even if my snatch froze up about four decades ago.

Andy Rooney: Was he the only man you pleased that night?

Greta: There were so many men that I had a hard time figuring which one to ride dirty.   I figured that my white dress was slung over the chair in the bedroom and wasn't going to get stained so I might as well take on the fleet and see if all the guys were up to the task.    I'll tell you what - those stallions were so primed for the occasions - some blew their loads so hard that I thought I was going to taste it as it went from the stomach to the throat.    It didn't take as long as I thought.  There were about 20 of them and they were done, all cleaned up, and back in their uniforms after 30 minutes total time.

Andy Rooney:  I'm surprised you didn't get knocked up.

Greta: I made them retreat when they were going to fire their gun.   I did end up looking like an Apple Strudel with all that hot male icing.   I did sample a few times.   I couldn't figure where to start but I was a very happy woman that night.

Andy Rooney:  Are any of them chasing after you in heaven?

Greta:  My dance card is full so to speak.   Thankfully they are all frozen at 20 years of age and aren't bothering wearing a tie.

Andy Rooney: Doesn't God condemn promiscuous sex?

Greta: No.   He is just against bad sex.   He insists that we spend a few years trying different positions and the guys have unlimited load and virtually no refractory period.   They shoot their guns and then they are ready to mount my hill again.

Andy Rooney: Thank you for your time.   I am sure you'll be busy tonight.

Greta: Tonight.  Tomorrow.   Time just flies here.   There are tens of thousands of young soldiers that want a turn.   There is something about a ghost peen.

The stage is now set.

Hillary Rodham Clinton will be the presumptive nominee by the American Progressive Party, er, the Democrat Party, and has evaded any serious discussion of her real record.

Andy Rooney has come back from the grave again to do an in-depth interview with Hillary like no one has done before.

Andy Rooney took his ghost investigative team with him from beyond and magically appeared with cameras rolling as Hillary Clinton was preparing to muff dive on her assistant Huma.

Andy:  I see that you have your mouth full at the moment, Mrs. Clinton, but I have a few questions to ask of you for our UV News Service.

Hillary:  Can't you see I'm busy?

Andy:  I can see that.   I do say that based upon my experience when I was living, when you do that the other party is supposed to moan and make moisture.

Hillary: Huma is a silent moaner.    She uses her church voice when I attend to her down here.

Andy:  If she were any more church, she'd be on her back in a box with the lid raised.

Hillary:  Since you appear to be such an expert, do you want to take over?

Andy:  I had angels who aren't afraid to let God know the expertise I have with my tongue.   I believe Huma would find your attempts at being cunning in linguistics as more than mortal in comparison.

Hillary:  Don't you have any questions of substance to ask me?

Andy:  I could, but I already know the answers you'd give and that wouldn't be fair to you - you know I have the advantage of spending considerable time in heaven.     But if you insist, I'll ask you a question that I know you've never been asked before.

Hillary:  Finally.

Andy:  Your time left on earth is very short, so I'd like to know your feelings on your accommodations  that will be prepared for you upon your assuming room temperature.     Do you think you will be going to heaven or hell when you finally consume your last breath of oxygen?

Hillary:  I am confident I'll go to heaven.   Why do you ask?

Andy:  I really shouldn't say, but there is a huge construction project going on in hell and they are building a new wing on the Hotel Hades for you and your family - even Chessie.    I hear rumors that you will be spending an eternity muff diving into Mrs. Roosevelt's cactus puntag.   

Hillary:  I have always wanted to meet Mrs. Roosevelt.   I hear we have many things in common.

Andy:  I have heard the same thing but she apparently had a talent with her tongue that you have never mastered.   I think it is because your tongue is forked and hers was normal.

Hillary:  You sound just like that blowhard ripoff artist, Donald Trump.

Andy:  I can assure you that while the Donald is short on manhood, he's got the eating out part down like you wouldn't believe.   It's a shame he didn't teach that course at Trump University - both you and your lesbian running mate, Elizabeth Warner, could really benefit on his skills between the legs.

Hillary:  I thought you people from heaven were supposed to be pure and angelic.

Andy:  Isn't that special.   The woman who has hunted down her husband's bimbos, who has cheated on taxes with her foundation and who has scammed wall street corporate tycoons for thousands of dollars a minute for a speech is now giving lectures on ethics?     God warned me about you!

Hillary:  I know God loves me.

Andy:  He traded your soul with Satan for Bernie Madoff.   At least Bernie had good taste in clothes and furnishings for his house.

Hillary:  I've never been so disrespected.

Andy:  Get used to it, sister.   You will be serving eternity with Donald Trump.

Hillary: You've made me lose track of pleasing Huma.

Andy: I'd say she's got things well in hand.   She's making elevated church voices and her head is spinning.   I'd say she's on her way to a big O or she's twatting with Satan.

Hillary:  I have nothing to hide with my wall street speeches.   Every word I have said is available to be read when I decide to release them but I won't do anything until Donald Trump releases his tax filings.

Andy: I see.   That is how you led in Libya.   You waited for things to happen and then you acted until you didn't when the Benghazi compound was attacked and you were face first with Huma again.

Hillary:  I relied on others to respond that night.   I was close to bringing Huma off that night and I wasn't going to be disturbed.

Andy:  I realize that you were busy that night.   You called your daughter to tell her that the attack was by terrorists.    Who was it that said the compound was attacked because of a youtube video - and why was it a two bit compound that was attacked instead of a real embassy if every mooslim was pissed off by the video?

Hillary:  I believe the Libyan terrorists were more sensitive than your average rabid ISIS terrorist.

Andy:  You might be right.  It is so difficult to separate an ISIS member from his gay victim when a tall building is there for tossing a homo off the top; ISIS was so busy then separating heads from Christians that I suppose they were too busy to see a youtube video.

Hillary:  Something like that.

Andy:  I have one other question for you and I'll let you get back to your licking.    How is it that the crew of the SS Minnow had enough provisions to survive on Gilligan's Island when they were only out of a cruise of multiple hours?

Hillary:  I believe they were victims of one of the earliest right wing conspiracies in history.   There were women on that cruise and we know that right wingers hate women.

Andy:  We have a few right wingers in heaven and I can assure you that they love women just as much as you do and do a hell of a lot better job showing it.

Have you ever wondered what motivates Donald Trump?

I have.

So when I had the chance to break away from playing Poker with Jesus and Mother Teresa, I jumped at the opportunity to come to earth and to sit down with the Don.    And here is the interview.    No doubt Planned Parenthood will say this is edited and that future satan boyfriend, the White House spokesass, will parrot the talking points.   Oh, fock 'em.   This is complete as hell ... and I mean it ... spokesass.

GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY - Thank you for being here with me - can I call you "Donald?"

DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - Andy, it is great to see you.   I used to watch you on TV while you were breathing.   And yes, you can call me Donald!

GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -It is said you hate immigrants yet you employed many at your various businesses that have not yet filed for bankruptcy.    Some call this hypocritical.

DAPPER DON THE TRUMP -I love immigrants.   Many will vote for me.   They love me.   What I pointed out were that we have a problem with unmitigated invasion of illegal aliens who come to this country and rape and murder.   There are stories about these happenings all over the media.   It is time we stop this invasion and hold our President to follow the laws or he should be thrown in jail without a possibility of him pardoning himself through executive action.

GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -Donald, how many times have you filed for bankruptcy?

DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - I think the same number of times I've changed my hairstyle and hair color.

GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -Why do you want to become President?

DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - I originally ran because if a clown like the current President can get elected, there is hope for me.    Then I saw Lindsay Grahamnesty enter the race.   I think he's transsomething - you aren't quite sure if he's a man or a lesbian.   He gets under my skin.   By my count he has placed a knife in another Republican's back 55 times while that fake war hero who managed to get himself captured rather than taking his own life has put 124 knives in Republicans' backs.    Can you imagine what the Republican party would have been like had McCain done the honorable thing and killed himself?   He'd be hailed as a real hero!    So with yutzes like Grahamnesty running, I knew I could really have some fun.    You know it is fun to cause RINO's pain.   They aren't hunted often - and when someone goes after them, the hunters apologize.   Well, its RINO season and if you believe in that please donate to my campaign.   I'm a billionaire you know, but insults do cost money!

GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY - Speaking of Lindsay Grahamnesty, don't you feel badly that he had to go out and buy a new phone after you gave out his cellphone number?

DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - That dipshit is so stupid - doesn't he know he could just get a new number and keep his old phone?    Is he afraid that someone will find out pictures of cub scouts and bag boys being on his phone in half dress - and I mean they are dressed from the waist up?!   Little barf bag weasel.    I'm at the adult table of the debate and he's sitting with the other children with Carly watching over them to keep them from blubbering and making a total ass of themselves.

GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -Do you prepare for debates by practicing?

DAPPER DON THE TRUMP -I do practice a bit but they won't let me bring my Jeb Bush doll and they prohibit sharp objects like nails being inserted into the body of the Jeb Doll.   I had a Rick Perry doll too but he's at the children's table so he's been nailed already.     I have binders full of facts, and I will go after Witch Hillary.    I promise to be good to my fellow Republicans except if they go after me and I'll kick ass and won't apologize.   My fans love me and they expect me to show some passion.   I will have a fleet of trucks with cases of whoopass ready to give to the other nine debaters as parting gifts.

GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY - Why should America want you to be President?

DAPPER DON THE TRUMP -Unlike the current President who hadn't managed more than his weed procurement schedule and how he would spend his 30 minutes in the Senate before he ran for President, I have created jobs- great jobs - union jobs - who do you think built my buildings?    I employ thousands of people, some not even named Juan, Pedro, and Julio.    I am what America needs right now.

GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -Do you have any parting thoughts?

DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - My hair would get into this interview - I knew it - but it does look fabulous.    I promise to be good during the debate - but if I get called names I will bitch slap like there is no tomorrow.

Have you ever wondered what makes someone turn into a mass murderer?

I have!

It is rare these days that I get to interview someone so fresh from the scene of a crime, but I am here with Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez, who recently sent four brave Americans who hadn't won any courage awards from hacking off their nuts and replacing them with two boobs, to heaven while also bagging a place in the Hotel Hades for himself.

I was able to secure this exclusive interview because Barbara Walters hasn't assumed room temperature yet, and try as she might, God just likes me more.

ROONEY:    "Hello, Mohammod.    How are things in hell?"

MOHA:  "You are damned right this is hell.   The virgins here are all 90 years old and have cactus spikes in their hoo hoos."

ROONEY:  "Well, you got your virgins at least."

MOHA:   "Have you ever tried to tap a 90 year old virgin even without cactus spikes inside?   The lining of their hoo hoos is like sandpaper."

ROONEY:   "I'm sure that is a comforting thought to some.    I'd like to discuss your recent activity that sent you to hell.    Why did you kill those 4 innocent marines?"

MOHA:  "With a name like mine you have to ask?"

ROONEY:  "Apparently the news media on earth can assume if you are named Billy Joe you committed a hate crime if your victim is black, so I was wondering why the media can't figure out that with a name like yours you weren't trying to send them Hallmark cards."

MOHA:  "Die infidels.    Allah Fuckbar."

ROONEY:  "Can we say that on UV's blog?"

MOHA:  "I'm sorry - I fear UV more than I do that Petunia you have as a President down there in the United States of Whores"

ROONEY:  "You should fear UV.    Progressives find him as repulsive as a crucifix.    Anyway, you killed the marines for what reason, exactly?"

MOHA:  "They were brave and had earned purple hearts fighting my brothers.   I wanted to bring as many of those pieces of excrement with me."

ROONEY:  "I can assure you that marines don't go to hell.    God needs a few good men and Liberace is playing with his organ right now and everyone is having a gay ole time up here.   Too bad you get all the women down there - they are always asking you about how you feel."

MOHA:  "At least we agree on this.  I'm having to pull cactus spikes out of my boner every day."

ROONEY:   "How long did it take you to grow your beard.   It took me over 90 years to get my eye brows to comb over like they do."

MOHA:   "Allah demands I grow my beard and I did so when I assumed majority age - so its been four or five years.    You can't be a good Mooslim without a good beard.   And if you think my beard is bushy, just look here..."

ROONEY:  "Jesus.   You could comb that over your ass cheeks!"

MOHA:  "One time I braided my arse and pubic hairs together and ended up with a 30 pound dingleberry."

ROONEY:  "I'm sure Allah was so proud of you."

MOHA:  "He was even prouder when I used it as a stone against some woman who killed her husband that raped her.   Me and the boys stoned her good."

ROONEY:   "Do you hunt or have a Confederate Flag hanging somewhere?    I know you are from Tennessee."

MOHA:   "I have plenty of guns that I got from my friends who sent them to me via UPS from Iraq.  I bet these are the same guns the four marines had used.   Turnabout is fair play.    As for the Confederate Flag - it clashes with blood from other folks whom I've beheaded."

ROONEY:  "Do you have any last words before Satan spends eternity shoving a cactus up your ass?"

MOHA:  "I've experienced sex with a goat.   We could do that at any time without offending the great mullahs.    As long as the goat was focking me it was okay -if I did the goat, I'd have some serious issues with retaining my head."

ROONEY:   "Thank you for the interview, and I know Barbara is jealous I got the exclusive."

Have you ever wondered why it seems time goes by faster as you get older?

I have.   And I can tell you from this side of the afterlife, that you ain't seen nothing yet.    I farted and a decade passed by as gas.

I was assigned by God to author these words so that you might be enlightened on the shit you are facing in the world since I died.     I feel your pain.    And goodness knows the pain I'm feeling can't be controlled by any drug you can get legal or otherwise.

First we have the racial temper tantrum that many in the black community are throwing when they have the audacity to think that they are the only people killed by police.    With the advent of the 24 hour orgasmic news networks, we have selective news sourcing - stories that create the most attention are the ones reported - so when a white man is killed by a black police officer - which does happen - that just does not get reported.    No big deal with a cracker getting punted to my side of life by a black police officer - whether doing his job or decided to make a name for himself by leveling the playing field for the phat angel from Missouri.

Sadly, we have rampant crime in low income neighborhoods - and like it or not, many of those communities have residents who are majority black - in the south we have white trash in trailer parks - but those parks are often culled by tornadoes in late winter and early spring.   You don't hear about how racist God is for taking out his trash; but in the black communities, the deaths of many black men are at the hands of many black men.    The narrative here doesn't work for those wonderful men of God, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.    There is no point to them to condemn and to raise hell about black on black crime - who really gives a shit about this anyway?     Now when we can find a juicy black death caused by a cracker police officer - now there is something to raise hell about!     And when you find a great death story like that, facts don't matter - black death, white officer - now that is a story that must be exploited for all it is worth.

We then have the unfortunate news of Bill Cosby.   Once upon a time he was a fine comedian - often avoided nasty words - and he was the delight of white folk - he played Dr. Huxtable - and his series just went through the roof with ratings.   There was no black on black crime in the show and it was so family oriented.    Black father, black mother, black children, and they all had the same last name and the children were by the same father.    You just couldn't have that happen in today's world.    And these characters were living in wealth that few Whities ever had.    In the world of the black victim bearing the cross of their own racial prejudice, we couldn't have such a show on television today.

Yet, Bill Cosby has been exposed for being Jack the Raper - a guy who might just possibly have multiple rapes in the last four decades - perhaps only Elton John has had as many hits as Bill Cosby has had.   Apparently Bill found a 17 year old and had her service his johnson at the Playboy mansion - and that wonderful exploiter of all things women, Gloria Alred, has come to represent the afflicted females.    Life is good when you have the audacity to demand $100 million fund for women coming out of the woodwork claiming to be raped while still in their mother's womb.    And I marvel at how a 17 year old managed to get to the Playboy mansion without parental consent and knowledge.   Hell, this is not 2014 when Moochelle Obama thinks all parents are dumber than her - Mooches would have supervised that child right down to forcing her to eat a low calorie, high fiber diet before giving oral sex to Bill Cosby.

Speaking of the first family, there is a bit of brooha about the brood of the Preisdent and First Bitch being exploited by someone famous in a twit (or is that a twat?).    I'm not sure why anyone gives a damn - the President routinely uses his children as speech fodder and he threw his white mother under the bus during the first election.   It would seem to me that merely showing that the lanky lurch like Obama daughter that has mammaries well exposed and a skirt up to her pubic hairline is less permanent in damage than throwing your own momma under the bus.    All she did was get knocked up by your Kenyan father and somehow manage to find a hospital in Hawaii to make you a Presidential anchor baby.

I see that the United States is a snit - millions upon millions of humans migrate from one country to another without permission and are suddenly put ahead of those who wait their turn - yes there is stipulations and requirements, but in my day, when you were invaded, that was an act of war and you sought to chase the bastards out of the country either by their own two feet or by slapping their remains in a pine box and shipping back to where the came from!    Now we feel sorry for them and make up reasons to keep them - it isn't like we shopped for the best and the brightest - no doubt most of these fools who just won the US Lottery will be pulling the lever to get free healthcare, more welfare, and social security at the expense of the people who were born here and actually pay taxes.    There is a bright side to having an infestation of so many illegals here - they'll be found every election day to vote for Democrats even though they can't be found any other day to be deported with prejudice.

I'd like to continue to talk with you about what you all face on earth these days, but God has me booked to do "60 Centuries" and I'm going to talk about Adam and Eve and I have to meet them in the green room so that I can get my facts straight.   Unlike President Obama, God values the truth and he wants me to be accurate.

Merry Christmas.    I'd wish you a White Christmas but that might get some of you thrown in prison for committing a hate crime.