I have.
So when I had the chance to break away from playing Poker with Jesus and Mother Teresa, I jumped at the opportunity to come to earth and to sit down with the Don. And here is the interview. No doubt Planned Parenthood will say this is edited and that future satan boyfriend, the White House spokesass, will parrot the talking points. Oh, fock 'em. This is complete as hell ... and I mean it ... spokesass.
GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY - Thank you for being here with me - can I call you "Donald?"
DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - Andy, it is great to see you. I used to watch you on TV while you were breathing. And yes, you can call me Donald!
GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -It is said you hate immigrants yet you employed many at your various businesses that have not yet filed for bankruptcy. Some call this hypocritical.
DAPPER DON THE TRUMP -I love immigrants. Many will vote for me. They love me. What I pointed out were that we have a problem with unmitigated invasion of illegal aliens who come to this country and rape and murder. There are stories about these happenings all over the media. It is time we stop this invasion and hold our President to follow the laws or he should be thrown in jail without a possibility of him pardoning himself through executive action.
GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -Donald, how many times have you filed for bankruptcy?
DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - I think the same number of times I've changed my hairstyle and hair color.
GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -Why do you want to become President?
DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - I originally ran because if a clown like the current President can get elected, there is hope for me. Then I saw Lindsay Grahamnesty enter the race. I think he's transsomething - you aren't quite sure if he's a man or a lesbian. He gets under my skin. By my count he has placed a knife in another Republican's back 55 times while that fake war hero who managed to get himself captured rather than taking his own life has put 124 knives in Republicans' backs. Can you imagine what the Republican party would have been like had McCain done the honorable thing and killed himself? He'd be hailed as a real hero! So with yutzes like Grahamnesty running, I knew I could really have some fun. You know it is fun to cause RINO's pain. They aren't hunted often - and when someone goes after them, the hunters apologize. Well, its RINO season and if you believe in that please donate to my campaign. I'm a billionaire you know, but insults do cost money!
GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY - Speaking of Lindsay Grahamnesty, don't you feel badly that he had to go out and buy a new phone after you gave out his cellphone number?
DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - That dipshit is so stupid - doesn't he know he could just get a new number and keep his old phone? Is he afraid that someone will find out pictures of cub scouts and bag boys being on his phone in half dress - and I mean they are dressed from the waist up?! Little barf bag weasel. I'm at the adult table of the debate and he's sitting with the other children with Carly watching over them to keep them from blubbering and making a total ass of themselves.
GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -Do you prepare for debates by practicing?
DAPPER DON THE TRUMP -I do practice a bit but they won't let me bring my Jeb Bush doll and they prohibit sharp objects like nails being inserted into the body of the Jeb Doll. I had a Rick Perry doll too but he's at the children's table so he's been nailed already. I have binders full of facts, and I will go after Witch Hillary. I promise to be good to my fellow Republicans except if they go after me and I'll kick ass and won't apologize. My fans love me and they expect me to show some passion. I will have a fleet of trucks with cases of whoopass ready to give to the other nine debaters as parting gifts.
GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY - Why should America want you to be President?
DAPPER DON THE TRUMP -Unlike the current President who hadn't managed more than his weed procurement schedule and how he would spend his 30 minutes in the Senate before he ran for President, I have created jobs- great jobs - union jobs - who do you think built my buildings? I employ thousands of people, some not even named Juan, Pedro, and Julio. I am what America needs right now.
GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY -Do you have any parting thoughts?
DAPPER DON THE TRUMP - My hair would get into this interview - I knew it - but it does look fabulous. I promise to be good during the debate - but if I get called names I will bitch slap like there is no tomorrow.
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