Ghost of Andy Rooney: Thank you, Congresswitch Waters, for taking time from your Trump conspiracy theories and impeachment rants to sit with me for an interview.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: Why is it you have to be so disrespectful to me? I'm about ready to leave you here talking to this chair that I'm sitting on.
Ghost of Andy Rooney: The chair would at least be honest.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: What are you saying?
Ghost of Andy Rooney: I knew your face was made of stone but I didn't realize the calcification extended to your grey matter.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: Why! I've never....!
Ghost of Andy Rooney: You are stone cold down there as well?
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: Watch it, sucka!
Ghost of Andy Rooney: You seem hellbent on making a name for yourself by contriving the most outrageous comments about the Donald, our new President. Why have you gone this route?
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: I was promised immunity from prosecution of ethics violations and other criminal enterprises if I came out against the orange haired one.
Ghost of Andy Rooney: Yes, I was going to ask you about your tainted history since you have gone all and mighty against the Donald.
First, you were warned against interceding on behalf of a bank with ties to her husband, her chief of staff, who is also her grandson, was "actively involved" in working to help the institution, according to a House Ethics Committee report that accuses you, a longtime Los Angeles political figure of three ethics violations.
You are accused of violating three rules — one that requires its members to "behave at all times in a manner that shall reflect creditably on the House," a second that prohibits lawmakers from using their influence for personal benefit and a third forbidding the dispensing of favors.
Let's deal with this. How do you plead?
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: I am not on trial here - that Oranged haired buffoon should be impeached!
Ghost of Andy Rooney: Aren't you going to answer these ethics problems you have?
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: I am not on trial here - that Oranged haired buffoon should be impeached!
Ghost of Andy Rooney: Apparently you aren't going to answer questions about your own issues.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: Apparently.
Ghost of Andy Rooney: Does your hair move? Does your face ever change expressions from that scowl that looks like you have a 20 pound dump you need to take?
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: I see you are back on the personal attack mode.
Ghost of Andy Rooney: Your face looks like a personal attack dog.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: Watch it, you dead fish eyed fool sucka!
Ghost of Andy Rooney: What is your goal with all this hate against the Donald?
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: I want that motha fucker impeached! Impeached! Damn it! I want that asshole gone!
Ghost of Andy Rooney: Since I'm from the other side, I can guarantee you that your ass will be in a place filled with perpetual barbeques and screams. You are one nasty bitch. God shakes his head and marvels at how you can live and breathe at the same time.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: God is just another white man trying to keep a black queen down.
Ghost of Andy Rooney: God loves Rupaul and has a special place for him in heaven. He doesn't care if you are black or orange. He just hates stone assholes.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: God is still a honkey - he likes her blonde wigs. If she wore black fro wigs he'd send her to hell too.
Ghost of Andy Rooney: You have plastic hair that doesn't move. He hates that in all forms - molded yellow, molded orange, and molded black hair. And since you cannot pull that molded black wig from your bald ass head, he wants you down there for eternity.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: So, it is a black thing.
Ghost of Andy Rooney: If you keep on talking like this even Satan won't want you. There is a place for people that are too disgusting for heaven and hell.
Maxine "Stone Puss" Waters: Where is that, sucka?
Ghost of Andy Rooney: Eternity between Hillary Clinton's legs.
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