And let's even give them those participation trophies they so crave.
I offer to take them up on their desire to control guns since people don't really kill people. Guns do it all on their own. Those remarkable objects that take human lives without benefit of a human being pulling the trigger.
So let's enforce a universal waiting period for getting a gun - any gun - upon your death, you can have that weapon you so craved as a living being. We'll put that gun in your coffin so you won't have to have it pried from your cold dead hands.
And since waiting is a universal solution for all of our ills, let's craft a thirty day window in which women have to decide to get an abortion and then to make them wait 30 days to get an abortion. This solves the problem so brilliantly that I find myself thinking I'm 16 years of age and having benefited from living through a gun crime in order to become so sharp on solutions!
And let's make sure that we don't have fake news - so once a news story is ready to print, we demand that the author wait 30 days to publish the story in order for that story to be vetted and to make sure a Ruskie didn't create it. And once the story has aged 30 days, it will be like a fine wine or a wonderful sharp Cheddar ready to consume because it would be so much better on the 31st day.
Perhaps we should afford Democrats thirty more days of voting so that we can make sure that they win elections since only Democrats are fit to lead. And since those evil conservatives and white people are seeking to suppress the black vote, allowing blacks an additional thirty days to find the gumption to vote seems only fair since we all know that they can't possibly find the poll on election day. Allowing them 30 extra days to piss away will make their excuses for being denied the vote even more delicious. And we'll feel bad knowing our white privilege stood in the way of black people voting even during those extra 30 days.
Waiting is just a wonderful thing.
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