Whoopy Fucking Doo.
Why should we give a flying monkey's ass about the earth these days?
White privilege covers the globe causing all other ethnic groups to cower in fear and whining about how they are picked on and can't get ahead. Well, the Chinese don't give a flip and are taking over the South China sea and want total control of the internet. I guess there is something to the Asians and their Oriental counterparts in taking the long road to overthrow of the world and evidently white privilege is a mere speed bump. Note to black people, dial up an Asian and ask for their recipe for overcoming slanted eyes, small peens, and short stature.
We are supposed to be earth-friendly today so please make sure you don't take a piss and hold your fecal matter until tomorrow. Tomorrow is officially shitting day.
But today you are to worship Mother Barbara Bush, er, Mother Nature, and you are to act like you give a fuck the other 364 days. Don't turn on a light. Don't run a motor vehicle - even a Prius since that thing will eventually start up the fossil fuel backup. You can run a Tesla if it won't send you into a wall in flames with its auto pilot screw ups.
Don't you dare breath - you will be depositing see-oh-two into the atmosphere and you'll contribute to global warming, or is it global cooling, or is it global climate change? Today its a grab bag of stupidity so picking any of those will make you look like an earth loving motha fucka!
The problem with approaching this planet with ruby slippers and rose-colored glasses is that Earth is one mean place. Even if you kill all men, the planet will kill you. Earthquakes could prove to be sexist and kill all the remaining women. Floods and hurricanes could just pick out Puerto Rico and to continue to make the inhabitants lazy, unmotivated, and stupid - but in doing so, they are actually the most beloved since they can't figure out how to string power lines together across their country without Donald J. Trump's help - and he doesn't care. Does that make him an earth lover?
It is queer that those who love earth aren't also demanding mass executions of humans - perhaps if we killed half, we'd consume half of the resources we do now, and the pile of poo that we make each year would be hundreds of feet less. But the earth lovers only want the rich to be killed so that would leave us with huge piles of poo from the unwashed masses who can't afford toilet paper and just find a use for a copy of the New York Times that hasn't been read by anyone.
On this earth day, you get street cred just by practicing what environmentalists like Algore do each day - you increase your carbon footprint by all your do-gooding all the while you tell the peeons that they need to cut their shit out to cover for your YUGE carbon-foot-print.
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