ANDY: Hell, Anthony, I trust you are settled in now?
ANTHONY: I suppose I'm as settled as I'm going to be - they pulled me down from the rafters so that I can enjoy some flaming crow while talking with you.
ANDY: I noticed the scarf. Was that given to you by an almost famous fashion designer who recently became the almost fashion designer to hell?
ANTHONY: No, this scarf was given to me by my friend Anderson Cooper. He was able to have this smuggled into hell and it is apparently flame retardant.
ANDY: You were a bit old for Anderson Cooper. Did you all play priest and choirboy when you were breathing and much younger?
ANTHONY: I only love myself so there was just a relationship of mentor and student.
ANDY: Is this where he learned how to cook jerk chicken?
ANTHONY: No, but I did try to steer him away from a life of self love to one where he could do more than fuck himself. Apparently he was able to have a long term boyfriend and seeks to live happily ever after. I gave him tips on how to live without any money as well.
ANDY: You are such a good friend. Speaking of friends, have you been able to connect with any of your formerly breathing friends there in the state of perpetual hell fire and brimstone?
ANTHONY: Well, hell fire and brimstone are like rain on earth. Today there is only a 95% chance of any of those. I know this to be true because Satan has not issued us large paper umbrellas not unlike you find in a smaller size in a fruity drink on earth. Satan only gives out the good stuff when there is sure to be fire and screaming. As for friends, I am still under quarantine so I'm pretty much by myself. Satan wants to see how much of an asshole I truly am before he takes my flaming cherry.
ANDY: Sounds like you at the South Pacific without the ocean, coconuts, or hulu girls.
ANTHONY: Oh, we have hulu girls here - they are naked, 600 pounds, have ten arms, 5 vaginas with serpents for clits, and smell really harsh of rotting fish.
ANDY: I wanted to mention snakes but I assumed that hell came with them as standard equipment.
ANTHONY: They aren't called snakes here. They are serpents. Once they die on earth they get a promotion and Satan names each one and they are his pets. You can't kill them since they are now part of hell and could one day transform themselves into a child of the Clintons or Obamas.
ANDY: I hear that some will still keep their earth given names like Chelsea, Mothra, and Sasquatch.
ANTHONY: Yes, and there is a really big cage for Hillary. Gold bars on the doors and her own personal hellcat server so she can leak state secrets just like the good old days.
ANDY: I'm sure there must be something in the nuclear teal color she is so fond of wearing.
ANTHONY: Oh, no. She's going to be nude. Fire will warm up her ice cold snatch and her boobs will drag on the ground with flames - lots of flames.
ANDY: So, do you regret hanging yourself?
ANTHONY: I had reached the point where everything I was eating tasted like shit or ass. Even the ice cream had flecks of dung. I couldn't escape my career of eating colons and sphincters.
ANDY: So is the food any better now?
ANTHONY: Everything is charred here. It is like eating at a Burger King run by a drunk.
ANDY: Do you have anything you'd like to share with the readers of my column? ... all three of them?
ANTHONY: Spend extra money to get a good rope - the misery of just dangling there really made me angry. And allow for enough of a drop. I could have been gone in half the time if I'd have jumped off the matchbox instead of kicking it out from under me.
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